sometimes pain is good. like when you’re working out, and it takes everything you’ve got to keep going because your muscles are being stretched and pulled repeatedly. you do this over and over again until one day, they don’t bother you so much. the pain is almost nonexistent. where did it go? that’s my question tonight…
my mom passed away when i was almost 14. i guess at 27, i’m finally facing some demons from the whole thing. mom dying has shaped my life in ways i didn’t think i would let it. my father disclosed to me over an ice cream cone that he thought i didn’t get a chance to grieve because i was being strong for him. he said he had been heartbroken over mom’s death, and that i held everything together for him. maybe. i mean that’s probably part of it.
i think a lot had to do with the trauma of losing someone so important to me. there is much pain surrounding my thoughts of mom’s death. it has just today occurred to me that the physical pain i feel from thinking about it causes me to both run and numb myself. i run from those that i could have relationships with and i’m shell-shocked when they don’t work out causing me to find any way possible to numb that pain. how do i really face it all without being washed with insurmountable pain? i think it is what i need to do to grow, so the pain is almost nonexistent, and i can be left with loving memories and tender remembrances instead.
if you’re wondering, the physical pain today is a deathly headache and knots attacking my stomach. there could be a confounding reason here, but more likely the mom and the max feelings fit together to make this fabulous manifestation.
this song is on repeat, not because it’s how i feel, but it’s loud enough to break through. oh and it’s good: