reactions. not a light post.

this description is scarily accurate…

“Reactions to illness and death vary widely and adolescents grieve differently than adults and younger children. Some may appear fine, but are concealing their feelings. This behavior may have many consequences in the future such as: intense grief reactions, personality disturbances, depression, problems forming intimate relationships, and somatization; the transference of mental stress into physical symptoms.”

i wasn’t sure what “personality disturbances” were and a something-search of it didn’t help at all. more questions without answers! maybe i’ll got back to a therapist just to ask what that meant.

concealed feelings: check.
intense grief reactions: check.
personality disturbances: unknown.
depression: probable check.
problems forming intimate relationships: check.
somatization: double check. particularly lately.

“information is power.” i guess that’s about the only thing i can take from this. and that other cliche, “you’re not alone.” i mean it’s pretty cool i can work through a lot of my emotional shortcomings by researching them on the internet, but why does having the facts help? does it really? i was feeling really good and easy just a few days ago. i started to think about my human development class. we discussed how the lifespan is affected by grieving, and what kinds of supports they need. i can’t remember specifically what they said, and i JUST threw out my notes yesterday. dang it! i just know that i lost a lot when i lost mom, some of which were memories. like i tried to have amnesia. there is so much pain!

i ran today without headphones. it was actually not as bad as i thought! usually i need the beat to keep going, but being too lazy to really search for the headphones let me really just take off. i had no idea how fast i went or for how long, which is normally important for me, but i’m not training for anything currently. some thoughts that crept up on my run:
-what i would write here. lame, so i switched gears.
-last night i thought about the support system, or lack-there-of after mom’s death. a time when i really needed people, because i am such an introvert about emotions. my aunt carmen and aunt marga were my mom’s best friends. they had been there for almost my entire life. after mom died, i don’t remember them being around much. i know why this is… because carmen hated my dad. she thought he killed my mom by not telling my family about her cancer. and marga just went along with it. i can’t imagine the pain my dad was feeling after losing the love of his life, and then to be blamed for it! no wonder he thinks i was being strong for him. maybe i was. but aren’t the children supposed to come first? i guess their pains were too great to deal with others.
-this brings up the strength. the inability to show emotions. i can’t tell where this comes from. i know i like to be considered strong and see emotions as a weakness. i also hate having people trying to take care of me. i hate being “such a girl about things.” i really hate when people expect things from me and then watch me. the watching… ick. i think that’s mostly where all the locked box syndrome comes from.
-i started to recount my mom’s last days. which i don’t remember much of. i think i feel partly guilty for not remembering. i just wonder what was going through her head. like did she really think that crazy therapy would work? why did she think it was best to spend those last few weeks (coulda been days, as i say no remembrance) without her kids? was she just trying to spare us watching her die? i saw it all. i watched her body become disformed. i saw the chemo’s effects. i called the ambulance when she collapsed. i watched her eyes become not her own. i heard about all the things she wanted to do when “she got back.” i saw the body that was in pain. i saw the return of a body unable to communicate. the wrappings around her head from the brain surgery we weren’t there for. i watched my grandfather pray. i watched him attempt to communicate with an unconscious, dying daughter. i watched my family cry and sit in a room and wait for her to die. i remember not being present or not accepting and feeling guilty. i saw it.
-i thought of how running is a physical manifestation of what i do in most relationships. how being that active has allowed me to become more stable, healthy and capable of dealing with emotional scars i barely wanted to acknowledge.
-of triangles. and things that come in threes, like my sisters and i. and how one always has the most of something, down to the medium, and last the least.
-the brain surgery remembrance actually gave me pause in my run. the emotion of it took over. one of the only things that has ever made me take pause during a run
-how did this shape my life so much without me even realizing?

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