no dating challenge

i do a lot of 30 day challenges or used to. this one i haven’t tried myself yet, but borrowed from my sister. basically no romantic relations for 30 days. doesn’t seem like too long. i’ve been thinking that this could be a really good idea, however whenever i go to start it though, i find myself in the midst of some feeling i dont want to ignore. obviously that’s part of the point, right? that i should be ignoring some of them.

so the other day, i was pretty gung-ho ready to start. i had reserved myself to not telling anyone i was starting, because that would probably mean i would fail. well, less than 24 hours later, i was back in my old habit. bad moves. the things is i don’t feel like i have in the past. like crazy and wanting. i just feel normal. maybe it’s because we had already slept together, and i had all that awful brain thought going on then. maybe i’m evolving! nah. i don’t know what the deal is. maybe i begin again today. for real. and make a concerted effort to be aware of how day drinking affects my choices.

this was sent to me by my sister. it sent me into a cryfest for sure. i couldn’t not. i love max so much. i miss him more than ever. it’s been less than 30 days of no max, but this is a challenge i have to stick to. i don’t have a choice anymore. he’s made that clear. good for him. just completely unbelievable that i had someone in my life so perfectly suited for me and i walked away so easily. i told him no. i told him never. he will not give me a never. that feels cruel. and hopefilled. and romantic. just like him. i’m still astonished he exists, in all of his perfections and imperfections. and to KNOW like i now do, and he once did. it’s impossible for me to ignore and even more impossible to live with these feelings.

i don’t regret the decision i made at the time. i have to keep reminding myself of that. i made the best choice for him and for me to get to where we are. i have so much to deal with still. i think i always will though.  that’s part of the reason he’s attracted to me. because i will always need taking care of, which he loves to do in any way possible. i will never not be just a little bit broken feeling. there’s just a piece of me that’s gone and doesn’t get to regrow.

he told me he wondered if i really loved him for him or just all the things that he does. like his job, his protector ways, his demeanor, that he’d be a good father, etc. so unfair. aren’t those all things that make him who he is too? but i get what he meant. it’s like i don’t love him for his job, but the way he approaches it with such vigor and respect and drive, that. that’s what i love. i don’t love him because he thinks he can protect me, but because he wants to try and i feel the same thing for him. i don’t just love him because he’s even-keeled, i love him because he can do that and still care so deeply about what he wants. i don’t love him because he’d be a good dad, i love the way he loves. i just know because he loves everything so intently the good dad thing would be a product of it. i wish he knew all of this. i tried my best to convey it, but who knows if it came across the way i intended. probably not. i probably just confirmed his fear.

there are so many things i wish i had said.

like, i’m sorry.

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