maybe i don’t get to say it. ever.

i feel like i wasn’t thinking. or i was thinking too much about the wrong things. this seems to be the case a lot. why do i zero in on the wrong stuff. this is what makes me feel “off” from the rest of the world. it frequently is thrown in my face as well. curtail back to that wasn’t thinking thing…

i just never thought i would feel like this. ever. that’s why i did what i did last memorial day. i thought i couldn’t get here. i felt terrible for stringing someone so great along. i was scared. i was confused. i felt guilty.

i didn’t know what else to do. i was broken then, and now i’m broken in a different way. my heart… it just won’t heal. and however much control i try to take over the situation, it doesn’t seem to be helping.

apparently you can’t just decide not to be in love with someone. even though that’s what i appeared to be doing for so long. the parallels and roll-reversals of this strange situation haunt me daily. i don’t know how to throw off the grieving and pain that i carry.

which brings me to my ultimate parallel at this point. i did this to him. i forced him to grieve and be in pain and move on. and now i have to force myself to do it too.

i want to apologize so badly. to say how sorry i am for all the pain i caused him. i just don’t know if that’s something i’ll ever be allowed to do. if it were my choice i would tell him now, but it was OUR choice not to talk. to move apart from each other and give each other space.

i don’t know if there will ever be a cutoff to the cutoff. this is probably the most likely of all situations, but if i anticipate it at all, it shuts me down emotionally. if i try to think of us never speaking, it reduces me to tears. so i try not to think of any of it. that seems to be the best thing to practice.

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