head, meet this brick wall you’ve been banging against.

he started talking to me again. it was 40 days from the day that we tried to kill each other with love. i know i haven’t written about that day yet, suffice to say because i couldn’t think about it without my brain curling into a ball.

and now its as if nothing has changed at all. we’re still in the same circumstances. there is still a blurred line and a need/want to keep each other as close as possible. no. i think that’s just me now. i want to stay close to him. i’m not sure the same could be said for him at this point. things i recognize he wants:
1. he probably does genuinely miss me
2. he probably really likes having me in his life
3. he’s being selfish wanting to keep two strong relationships at once.

i need to do the smart and healthy thing of once again cutting this off. i can’t imagine how talking is supposed to help me. to be constantly reminded of the pain that comes with being so separate is not how i intend to live. my friend told me i didn’t have to make the decision “today.” which could metaphorically be several weeks. i have never been the type to endure more pain than i am capable of for little foreseeable reason. i tried taking a break, as she suggested, and that led me to hyper analyzing the situation and eventually  writing this, which seems to be my way of saying i can’t take a break.

after our face to face, i vowed to myself that i would no longer maintain blurred relationships. i looked around and found that i had many. i found making my intentions clear or my emotional distress known, that it snapped all of them into place. praise the lord!

after talking again, i found myself emotionally disturbed as always. i’ve thought of the avenues we could take and exactly why none of them are what i want:
1. talking just as we always have – this puts us right back at square one with no progression being made at all. we maintain an emotional attachment, but at the cost of significant relationships being hindered. our emotional attachment never leads to us actually being together.
2. talking, but not letting it get to me – i think this might take practice, but it’s time i don’e have to waste. being back in school doesn’t afford me the luxury of sparing time for emotions which eventually leads to them creeping up and blasting through my learning process. i actually tried this for a day or so, only to realize that i was suppressing my actual thoughts. besides the burst of emotion that eventually comes, suppression is no longer what i want for my life.
3. setting rules for talking – no “us” talk, no future, no past, no present. talk is limited to 1-2 times a month with the exception of birthdays and holidays. we should proceed to talk about whatever, and talk of family and current romantic relationships is encouraged.  this strategy is useful to become just friends. i’m not ready for this.
4. no talking – this has been extremely difficult in the past, but i think is the only option that affords me progress. if we cannot at this point evolve together, then my only option to moving forward is to do so alone.

on 4… max said that i am running from him again. i don’t think that’s what i’m doing this time. i think that running before was a form of self-protection from being hurt in an emotionally devastating way again. this time, i’d like to run towards something amazing. i can remember telling my father a long time ago that i wanted it “all” and by that i meant i wanted to be in love with someone i married and to have a career. now “all” means both of those as well as having a family. these three things are extremely important to me. maintaining an unhealthy relationship with anyone is a detriment to the future i foresee for myself. i just have to be strong and continually remind myself of this. i love and have loved our relationship for many years, because, selfishly, it was exactly what i needed. i didn’t realize that it was exactly what he needed and liked too. although this relationship has worked for us in the past, i can no longer maintain this.

the “all” i’m referring to with marrying someone i love also means a commitment to one person and one person alone. maybe it’s different because when i’ve been with someone i never thought maintaining this relationship had any impact. i was able to pull back and return at my leisure, somewhat allowing me the illusion of a commitment to one person. now i recognize this is not what i want or need. i want an attachment unlike any other and to be showered/give eternal adoration. i want to grow and progress and push the limits of what either of us can handle within the realm of forgiving commitment. i want to see someone everyday and still be excited to do nothing at all. i want a physical, emotional, and intellectual connection. i know this is an ideal situation, but right now i’m so far from any of this, it’s crucial i make changes in the right direction.

i’m ready for the tears associated with this. like, been there done that right. i know most of the triggers already too.

still… i’m stuck doing the decision making, again. i. hate. it.


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