blah. 11.14.13

am i a crazy person? i don’t think so… right now i feel totally fine, but there’s something amiss. i’m devoid of feeling. what if this is how people are normally? or how they get on in their daily life? i don’t know. there just seem to be so many mountains and valleys this year. maybe this is a good thing. i would think that i would be all over the place. maybe this is just the calm before the storm. like when i went to sf… oh god. the day before was wonderful. after months of anxiety, a stone churned slowly in the tummy, a head that is tense but pulses and races, the heartbeat that won’t quit, muscles formed into solid rocks, the brain like a broken record… all that. gone for a day. it was beautiful.

it’s not like that today. i still am thinking, although my mind isn’t addictively circling itself. it just is. part of me is tired. i have a new wake at 4am for no particular reason, aside from brain thinking it should be awake remembering reality instead of dreaming of better days and nights.

when did life get so complicated? when did my body become so unfamiliar? i love my logic, but it’s also becoming just one tragic deadend emotionally. i wonder if i’ll ever let that side out more. i’m trying. good lord! am i trying.

well the cool thing is there really is nothing left for me to do…

i may just need a drink tonight. and some laughs. lots of laughs please.

on other notes…

i LOVE my job(s). one allows me absolute freedom and a spritely pep in my step. the other gives me a family away from a family. i get what the family unit is about now. it all operates together. it’s so beautiful. i come from a blended family which works infinitely well. there’s something special about loving and respecting the people you work for.

school is freaking great. just barreling through these classes!

my knee is jacked again. i’ve been wearing an ace bandage off and on. it blows.

i wish that max and i could see each other.

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