14 years.

14 years.

today is significant for my life in a lot of ways. i know today isn’t the exact date, but this is the day i’ve chosen.

today i’ve lived more of my life without my mother than with.

i am alone today which is how i like it. i can’t stand being forced to talk. and smile. and pretend that we can just honor her. i will never stop missing her. and wanting to ask her things. and wondering about what my life would be like. wanting to know her. being selfish that i didn’t have as much time.

i went out into the world… and i don’t want to again, but life doesn’t stop because your sad. i’ll have to put on a face for a time today.

i made broccoli cheese casserole. it turned out pretty soup like.
i watched you’ve got mail.
im watching seeking a friend.
i painted nails.
i drove. the driving always gets me.

i will study.
and eat dinner with carissa. for carissa. i’m trying to be less selfish about my time.
i will keep moving.
it’s okay to be sad too.

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