to fly or not to fly?

that is the question.

well here we are. finally. kind of. i thought it would feel different. that i would be more excited or something. max broke things off. i think the thing is that he was so excited to do it and go down our road, but now i don’t see any of the excitement. or just not much. it’s hard for me to know what’s going on with him aside from the fact that he’s  heartbroken. then why DID he do it? this seems as though someone is in love, but i’m also amazed that he hasn’t dived back in. i’m not sure that’s a good thing or a bad thing though. good because that means he’s firmly committed to his decision; bad because more and more to me it doesn’t seem like he likes the decision he’s made. that’s not fair to say, but yesterday it seemed that he didn’t have a choice in the matter, which is rough.

throwing caution to the wind:
-i know he loves me very much. he wouldn’t be in the place he’s in or dealing with what he’s dealing with if he didn’t feel very strongly for me.
-i want to strengthen our relationship as soon as possible. we need quality time together. we need to just spend face to face. simply. especially for us to progress forward at the rate we need to in order for me to move there.
-i just miss him. i want to see him. who doesn’t want to spend 4 days with someone they love?
-i often times think of things in relation to how i react to them. if it were me on the flip side, i would need a lot of time. i probably would think that i wouldn’t or would try to assume i didn’t but really would. BUT. max is almost the exact opposite of me in every emotional way.

things that worry me:
-seems that even though they are not talking to each other as much, he seems to think that all of the things they said don’t apply to him. like apparently they said they wouldn’t talk for a week. then come mon or tues (not sure) he’s texting and talking to her asking about her job etc. then some big phone convo comes out of it. does he want to make sure she’s still in love with him? maybe. is it just that she is the only other person who understands what he’s going through right now? is it just that it’s hard to separate your life from others? this worries me not just for now, but probably indefinitely because isn’t this exactly how he treated me? he couldn’t let me go… what if there are 2 people you feel that way about? that’s dangerous territory.
-he hasn’t done the thing i love so much. which makes me think he’s just not in a good place.
-he JUST broke up. like it’s just over a week, and that is not enough time to get your head on right. nor is it fun to guess what he’s thinking instead of what i’ve grown accustom to, him just telling me everything always.
-we have time. we don’t have to rush things. yes, it would be a good chunk of time spent together, but it’s not like if we really can’t wait to see each other we couldn’t do that.
-he’s heartbroken… i remember the state i was in when that happened. it was not good. i remember telling beeks a couple weeks after the fact, i still wouldn’t want to be with him yet. which he thought was crazy, but i was broken in a way that couldn’t be quickly or easily repaired. any relationship that i entered at the time was destined to fail in a big way, including ours. like my friend told me when i came back from SF, “you just ran an emotional marathon, you need time to recoup after something like that.” i don’t even think he’s done with the marathon yet…

my decision…
i think it’s pretty obvious.
i think as much as he may say that he’s not in love with her… he is. this makes me question everything.
is this worth it? -he must believe this to be true, otherwise he wouldn’t be doing it.
why is he doing this? -he says its because the way he feels about me, he can’t not do it, but doesn’t know if the reverse is true. it could be. very true, which is the scariest part. this could all happen again in days, weeks, or years. it could happen very quickly. what if we sleep together and decide it’s not worth it.

i feel like this is all such a clusterfuck. but we knew. we knew it would be.

i’m betting on a dude that i’ve never been intimate with. what are we DOING!?!?

i don’t want this in my life. this really blows.

i think he likes not doing the decision making. isn’t nice to have someone else decide everything hard in your life? like i decided it was time for him to move on from me and he did. i decided to walk away from him as a friend for a while. hes making the decision to try again. maybe he is trying to make me feel guilty. i know not intentionally, but i don’t see this playing out well at all. i again am doing the deciding in the case of thanksgiving. like i have to decide whether i think he’s stable enough to have a visit. WHAT THE FUCK! decide for yourself. say no. but the dude cannot fucking do it. or doesn’t want to because he never wants to have to deal with the repercussions of a decision.

i want him to be sure, and i have no way to make him sure. that’s all on him. and he will need time alone, as much as either of us hates that, realistically i don’t stand a chance against someone who hasn’t hurt him.

i just made the decision not to go… and then went back on it. come on! i wish i knew what the best decision was. which one has more pluses?
going: time together.
not going: time for him to get over things.

i think he needs the time more than we do.

i’m never making decisions again.


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