wanting

i think a lot in my life, i’ve been afraid to want things. anything you plan doesn’t really turn out the way that you want anyway, right? that’s a vicious little cycle, life. so why do we plan things then? well because great things can happen if you do. you could meet and exceed your goals. or fall down flat on your face. either way its a process of learning. if you’re successful, you do it again. if not, you try a different way. i think it’s very hard for me to lose things and people in my life. it makes it hard to really take a risk when it comes to relationships, because letting someone in means that you have to trust them not to hurt you. how in the world are you supposed to be okay with that? i’m definitely still learning that one. or when they hurt you, not to do it again. or worse yet, that if they hurt you, you’ll always forgive them. what is the line that they can’t cross? at what point do we say no? not that i’m at the point in anything, but i’m walking a scary, thin lined road or two here. in the past i’ve always managed to suppress wanting or caring, but now i have an open mind AND an open heart; i’m scared for sure. of hurting anyone or being hurt myself. this is why you can’t love people the way i do. that is not a practical life and there is not enough of me to go around.

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