since i got back from SF all those days ago, i felt very, well probably shitty. i had been crying for about 12 hours. but really i took a look at my life and decided that blurred lines aren’t fun any more. i was able to clear so many of them. so, so many and quickly. it was awesome! and i felt good about it. i found the more honest i was with people, the more enriched our relationships were. it was so great! and then max came back into the picture, unsettling me yet again. and i got honest with him. again, it was great for me and him to know where i was coming from and where i was headed. we’re still figuring it out, for either way which is fine. but it has left me in this extremely awkward state of not wanting to date/sleep with anyone. i guess that’s not awkward. that’s just how it goes when you like someone. so i’ve been able to stick to that mostly.
unfortunately, right now, there’s been this other preoccupation that has popped up. we hadn’t done anything in months and were being really good friends again. then i saw him at our party, and i was jealous (no reason to be) and wanted to talk to him all night. i was kind of in host party mode though, so wasn’t too concerned i suppose. then as normally happens, becs, nate, bill and i stayed up dancing till 3. i can’t help it! i love to move, and i love to have people around me who love to move. then i decide i’m too tired and everyone splits. i ended up in nate’s bed… which was itself great. then we hung out the next day, and that was, whoa. like i haven’t felt that way in a long time… i’m not sure what these chemicals in my brain are trying to tell me. i know i like him as a friend and would be happy to be there for him indefinitely, which i feel a strange necessity to be (happens with some people). i didn’t realize i like-liked him until that night. he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want to date me, and with everything going on with max, i’m not sure why i allowed this line to be crossed again. does it mean something? probably that i’m just bored. and i’m sick of waiting… i feel like i need to communicate all of this to nate, but god i don’t want to.
so now many days later…
i don’t know what to think still. berks says he thinks nate is currently into me. it’s just so weird to me. i didn’t think we would get to this point, like ever. and now i’m on the cusp of seeing max. i can’t deny the way i feel, but the truth is i don’t know how i feel. i bounce between crazy and fine. the other day, i had a really bad one. rachel was there to calm me, thank god. not that i couldn’t do it myself, but i don’t want to be alone anymore. i don’t want to think of myself as so incredibly independent that i can’t form relationships with people. i’ve run from them a long time, and it hasn’t made me happy like i thought it would. i fear stagnancy in relationships. as mackenzie pointed out, i’ve never made myself get through it. at the first sign of trouble, i’m likely to bolt. how in the world does anyone get close to me? what does it mean to be close? how do you make love last?
i watched this tedtalks that said at 30 you shouldn’t just look around and grab whoever is available. but why is the correct? how do they know? what if that life is better than being alone? i saw claire about a week ago, and it made me remember that the world is an option. for a while now i’ve been looking at things very linearly, which has afforded me to discover hobbies and connect with family or friends. so many people this last year have told me how mature i’ve become. it’s a wonder, because i have always been responsible and quick to do as told.
i don’t know where to go from here. my life has taken a turn for sure. i am different. max is different. nate is different. the options are all out there still, and nothing is linear any more. i think of everything the way i used to, what’s next? the thing is i don’t want to roll as quickly through life as i’ve been trying. i now take my time and think and decide. i don’t even have a plan right now.
it’s easier to have a plan.