it was time for the talk.

we had a talk. god, i’m so bad at them. i couldn’t even really even bring it up without a million “like, um, but so, you know?’s” in a sentence. which means is utterly confusing.

things i got from it:
-he wants to keep me (or anyone) at a distance, because a) he doesn’t really think of things long term after his divorce(not entirely clear on the effect it had on him), 2) he may be leaving in June? (news to me).
-i think he’s scared of hurting me, but front-loading the possibility which is really scary for me.
-asked me what my intentions are
-asked several ways did this come from “you having a talk with beeks, since we didn’t see each other that much last week, something else maybe?”|
-asked whether i was wondering if we’re bf/gf. i am but i dont think thats even the issue at this point. i don’t see a need to label things if they’re nonexistent in someones eyes.
-he keeps people at arms length to protect himself.
-he keeps about one person in the know about everything thats going on with him, right now that person is me.
-i think he knows hes going to hurt me, to him its a matter of when. which means he does think of things long term; he just doesn’t realize he’s already decided i’m not a part of it.

things i knew:
-he has about 2 months out of the year that are very unsteady
-hes an observational learner.
-communication/seeing each other is at a good frequency for him.

i’m wondering:
-what his intentions are
-whether he will think of things long term ever. or if he even wants to.
-what he wants out of all this, are things cool or should we cool?

-im not good at the coming up with things i want to discuss on the spot. so we talked about his divorce kind of, and then he went on to say he used to be a romantic and he doesn’t believe there’s a “the one” anymore. i don’t think that i do either. i think you get to pick.
-but i think all this adds up to him not wanting a relationship. i think thats something i do want though. i felt like we talked in a lot of circles though and i’m sure a follow-up talk would be similar. he was saying something about not changing and then took it back almost immediately because this is our first real talk about anything. i’m not sure what that part means. i’m pretty sure what i got mostly was i can’t do this seriously. i’d have to ask to be sure though.
-i tried to explain how difficult all of this is for me. like why i’ve skirted the issue for so long, because of mom and mostly my lack of relationships due to this. and also that im not good at talking about these things because i have a visceral reaction to displays of emotion, that shakes my body physically. also that my brain decides quickly and effortlessly who will be in my life forever, and that he is one of those people, i don’t know in what capacity. he said he selects few people as well because they are all people he would protect and love forever. that they take up part of his heart, but doesn’t always know what part they occupy.

i can’t deny that i have very strong feelings for him. i can’t say the same for him.

becca just said this: it’s kind of up to you then, whether or not you’re comfortable in a casual relationship that may or may not be anything more.
I DONT KNOW. isn’t that every relationship ever? but i guess i would just like to know whether he will ever be interested in something more. i guess thats the linch pin here. like i don’t want to waste my time or get attached if its a no.

i guess the only question i really have is if anything more is even a possibility. and its sounding like no.

the interesting thing to me is that he made it almost sound like a discussion. i don’t get what there is to discuss, i guess.

he asked several times, since i said i felt unsettled, if i had gotten all the answers i needed or whether i am now more confused. i said i’d probably have more questions in like 3 days. i need some time to process. he said my face looked hard and like there was something else i wanted to ask. again, i reiterated i couldn’t figure out which questions to ask or think about anything then, and half of being “hard” is a mask of non-emotions i wear.

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