a change for the better

last week, nathan and i had a talk that really shook me up. once i thought (and wrote) about it though, it didn’t seem so bad. i realized that there’s never a guarantee with anyone or anything, and if i truly did like the way things were going and wanted to continue, i shouldn’t need to push for the something more. coming to terms with this wasn’t all that easy, but it made me take a step back and evaluate how i handle myself in these situations. yes, it was emotional (yay!) something i thought i wasn’t really capable of. it was very negative, but after speaking to Daddy-Beeks-Bucks (his newest nickname! ha!) he seemed to think i had nothing to worry about, and he informed me, even though nathan and i are too chicken-shit to say it, we were dating. like for realsies. that got me thinking… like why would nathan have discussed all of this really serious stuff with me if he didn’t care? which was like the best realization for me… oh! he CARES! i get it.

so the week moved on and we made plans to see each other before his friend got into town. she was supposed to fly in at like 9pm. but portland had a crazy snow storm, so commence flight delay, early work termination, and binge drinking party at our house. we had all the people that could walk/drive to our house over. sooooo fun! games, drinking, dancing, snow walks, more drinking, and plenty of laughs. of course becca did the thing where she gets all girly and flirty when she’s drunk, which kinda pissed me off, but i attempted to not let it get to me. i should say that i noticed a difference with nate that day with texts, and just general attention and questions. slightly more explicit than he’s been in the past, which i thought was cool, but was trying not to read to much into. finally around 1ish, jess’ flight got in and most people scattered. becca and i were left to discuss my discussion with nathan. we had talked in text about it early this week, when i had really negative feelings about it, so this was a bit of a change of pace. becca though, was not very supportive. she was like if you’re not on the same page, why bother… etc. and i kept being like, but i think we ARE on the same page now, even though we haven’t discussed it again, i know what he’s thinking and he gets where i’m coming from. after getting past “the talk,” we went to bed giggling and talking about dudes and sex… fun sleepover for sure.

so the next day i was pretty hungover… needless to say i wasn’t in THE BEST mood when it came to hang out time again. i either needed a beer or a nap, and i chose beer. it worked! ended up at nathan’s with a crew of fun people, again drinking, playing games, general debauchery ensues. the best part was when nathan and i got to sneak away for a bit. we did this a couple times. we went outside to smoke a cigarette and he started asking me if something was bothering me earlier. i didn’t and don’t know when he was talking about. my best guess is that i was hungover and still annoyed about becca’s attention thing from the night before. so i finally explained how bad i felt about my friend’s actions. and that i had seen her hit on a dude that i was dating at a bar while her bf was present; it made me VERY uncomfortable at the time, and doesn’t really make me feel great now. he understood, and i guess that cooled his fears about my attitude. i remember him saying something else like things weren’t really resolved, which i didn’t get, because i wasn’t sure there was anything to be resolved… so we continued to discuss things on the perch, all i remember from this particular chat is something like ” we’re gonna figure this out,” and me saying “so we’re like seeing each other, huh?”… “yes.” 🙂 🙂

so then hours later… we went to see his newest drawing which is fucking cool. like all of his other stuff. he showed me some of jess’ old art stuff, all cool, and we sat on the floor like the spider man position on a swing and really talked. we went over a few things from the night, and he told me a few really important things:
1. he wanted to be more present for me. – this explains the difference in text/other communications.
2. i want to be sensitive to how he is, so i told him something like, i just don’t want to bug you, i know you have your stuff you do through the week and la la la… all he could do was shake his head and say something beautiful in return, “you’ve lit up my life…” the ellipses are because there was something amazing at the end of that which has slipped my memory completely. hazards of drinking and talking! i was SHOCKED. i almost cried i was so overcome with emotion! all i could do was say something not even half as sweet like, “i’m always surprised how incredibly happy i am with you.” only i’m sure it had a lot of stumbles and likes in it.
3. he said he wants to know the people in my life. e.g. he’s only met carissa once and we had all been drinking all day… he was like, i want to really meet her! !! what, wow, what?
4. then we topped it off talking about the chemistry we have, and how crazy good our sex is. it really is.
after all that we hung out with our friends more and then snuggled until he had to leave to ski at like 6am. i ended up hanging out in his bed with becca and bill till like 3:30pm. snuggle puddle round 2. watching tv, chatting, eating pizza, and all of us wishing our fourth was there.

DBB, nathan, and i all went out for beers the next day, and then back to our house for a movie and more beer. cue really hot sex. and cuddle night.

god, it’s so cool to be dating him! i just like him. he makes me feel amazing, hottest dude in the world, and we have the best time together. i never knew i could like anyone like this and want something to be so consistent. normally, i’m looking for the next new thing, but being with nathan makes me excited to find the next new thing for us. i’m so grateful for this time.


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