lately.

i’ve been very sad lately about max. this is what came out earlier, i may try to make it into a song or something when i actually learn banjo or whatever. you know, after school:

my thoughts are sad today
the light and love i have was dampened

it’s like a part of me is missing
part went with you
so i filled the vacancy
in some ways perfect
in some ways new, unexpected, and better
but there are still holes and gaps that are meant for you
too large a part of me was us

i guess it’s just like, he promised to always want me around. that there was never a day he wouldn’t want to talk to me. now i’m blocked. for what reason i’m not really sure. and i know that it was partly my fault. that i could have handled things differently, but that wouldn’t have worked. things had to end badly for someone. “no one gets out of this alive.” like a dual suicide pact we took, but really most of the hurt was all on someone else. we selfishly acted and therefore have no right to choose. i’m guessing all of this. my hunch is that, of course, he still thinks of me, how could he not? it’s like me… i thought i had done most of the hurting last year, which is probably accurate, but i think it’s still only just hitting me because i always expect him to come back. even now when i can say out loud, “i don’t think he’s ever going to speak to me again,” a part of me doesn’t believe that’s true because it’s never happened. i can’t know the future, but my bets are on not. i think i lost my best friend forever. worse than him being dead, i can’t ever talk to him again and he’s out there. fuck. every time i remember that a new surge of emotion washes over me, and all i can do is turn up the music louder… louder… NO… LOUDER…

music… thank god. max never listened to avetts because he said they were mine. this has incited me to listen and read lyrics to every avetts song. interesting new project, i’m not sure what if anything it will do for me. but i do recognize that i frequently have no idea what lyrics say and need to amend that.

obviously part of thing that has staved me off of the max sadness is nate. not that one replaces the other or anything like that. i finally understand what max was talking about when he said that he doesn’t think of us in the thoughts. it’s almost literally impossible. i learned that in neuroscience! your thoughts are just one at a time. though they may happen quickly and come in pattern where they seem to be happening simultaneously they don’t.

last wednesday i was very sad about max. it just hit me. then the nate change happened. he slipped into a quick bout of his depression. he described what was happening as best he could. which is really cool because when i’m anxious, i can’t talk about it at all. so i sent him an email in response:

there’s a lot of stuff i have to say, so i’ll start with this one:

first of all.
i have an excessive amount of love to give. i’ve always known that about myself, and it takes a lot of self control not to let it affect any of my relationships. there was this time when i was little that i squeezed this dog so hard, because i loved it. like so, so much. she bit me straight around my mouth. i couldn’t understand at the time that it was too much for her. that i was probably suffocating her… i don’t want to get bitten, but i’d rather squeeze the shit out of anyone and get a bleeding mouth than have them question how i feel about them… so don’t ever think that you’re taking too much and providing nothing. i have too much already, and you’ve already been and done a lot of things for me.
next.
that was a lot of info yesterday, and i greatly appreciate you telling me. i know it’s probably not easy to communicate anything at any point, but probably particularly now. i often feel as though the abstract and the things in my head are uncommunicable when i have an anxiety episode (i guess thats what i call that), which is why i wait to express it. i’m glad you didn’t wait, and i have open ears for whatever else you want to say.
next.
i’m here. i’m not going anywhere. and i’m not going to change by disengaging or being in your face. i’m just going to do what i normally do.
next.
i expect to see you. i don’t want you to ignore me. i don’t accept that. i understand it might be hard to have people around. there’s probably a part of you that doesn’t want me to see you low, but i don’t care. i need to be around you sometimes. if you can’t do it for you, do it for me.
next.
i get that you may feel guilty about all of this towards me, because i certainly did when i was anxious. i felt super guilty that i couldn’t stop it, because my life is in a really good place. i felt horrible, because i knew you were such a really amazing part of it, and there i was still having a freak out. i knew it wasn’t about you or anything else in particular, just part of my brain leading me along some pathway i couldn’t help but go through… you remained stable and that helped immensely.
next.
i don’t expect a reply, just a confirmation that you got this. if you have things to say, by all means, but no response necessary.
last.
i’m just thinking about you. because i care. lots. don’t worry. i’m still studying :).
see you soon.
i didn’t and still don’t know what exactly he expects from me when these situations occur. so i decided to make a list of what i will and won’t do for him. i hope it comes across as loving limits that are changeable and not set in stone rules. i think it was received well. haven’t really talked about it yet, possibly never will.
nate re: my messed up feelings.
so this thought went through my head today, “dating you is like a dream that i don’t want to wake up from.” i can’t tell if this is good or bad.
good: it’s really cool to date nate. he’s almost exactly the person i pictured myself with since i was able to comprehend being with someone. first of all, he’s hot. i mean, like so hot. not only is his face just freaking gorgeous, but so is his body. he’s like cut. oh. my. god. it’s impossible for me to not want to R him. he just… sometimes i forget how hot i think he is while we’re hanging out, and then BAM! nothing has changed at all, just that i remember how gorgy i think he is. then i lose all my words like a highschooler. so, then i’ve always wanted someone around that doesn’t embarrass me. like i have social anxiety, so its been hard for me to be paired with someone that causes me additional anxiety because they’re an idiot or loud or rude or mean about something. he’s like a little like me in these situations. not the center of attention and very careful of what he has to say. i love it. also, he’s a thinker. he thinks about everything. sometimes i don’t see that i’m a part of this thought process, but like last friday, he was telling me about how he’s going to seattle this weekend, and just included, i figured you’d be studying all weekend, so it’s a good time for me to go. so you do think about us spending time together! aw! i love it. anyway, i think he’s always thinking about something, mostly it’s hilarious. like he actively thinks i’m bored, what would be the stupidest thing you could say in social situations. e.g. you want someone to leave a party, try “make like a dude at best buy about to purchase season one of that show about a mysterious island, and get lost.” i missed the part where it’s unnecessarily long. what! he’s creative. his drawings are really fucking cool. i could watch him do that for hours. he’s rolls with so many things, and doesn’t give my anxiety legs. he’s open about how he’s feeling. well kind of, i’m still prying the shell when it comes to how he feels about me, but every once and a while i get the tiniest glimpse of a pearl.
bad: i often forget that this is real. it seems so dreamlike and wonderful, at least for now. sometimes i forget that it’s all probably going to end. that i am investing all this time and love into this person that could leave in 4 months, or stay indefinitely, while i have to leave for grad school. i’m scared of the burn i’ll feel on this one. i remember chris breakup. that was not good. and then all the max stuff… that was a doosey. now add amazing sex to the thing that will be missing in my life. oof. i may never recover. i also still feel very unworthy. like with all the bad i’ve done, especially lately with hurting not only my best friend, but also one of his. why do i get to have things good? and then i fear that maybe they’re not so good. like what is nate not telling me about how he feels? i’m still trying to decide if the reason he can’t express himself about me is because he doesn’t feel that strongly or because he doesn’t know how to. could be either. i flip flop daily on these. the other thing about not feeling worthy… i never have. like not with anyone. i never understand why people love me or feel so strongly about me. i don’t think i’m that great. i mean sometimes i do, but other times its like… i think somewhere along the way i got boring. i think it has something to do with school and ABA. but my brain doesn’t work the same way, which is good in a lot of ways. but i really don’t feel like i’m smart, pretty, skinny, or funny enough to be with nate, like any minute he’s gonna ditch me for someone i think he deserves. its a really horrible feeling. cue: anxiety. and then i freak out on him, and he’s all chill and it makes me feel worse…
he told me that even in his marriage, he didn’t talk like i do to him. there was none of it. i can’t imagine making a perfect love without that. maybe it’s something i can help him with at least.
max helped me with that. i mean like if there’s a person who gets more out of that relationship, i think it was me. he taught me to love in a way i didn’t know was possible for me. he helped me use my voice. he was around as long as possible, until i was mentally and emotionally stable enough to go on without him. he gave me so much, and all i did was destroy his life and hurt him. over and over again.
do i feel worthy yet? nope, not at all.
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