i’ve been thinking a lot of max lately. obviously, i can’t stop the triggers, but maybe i should consider ignoring the tendency to delve into the max thought process. i wish things had turned out differently and almost every day i have something i want to share with him. he was my best friend! i wish he hadn’t done that to me. seriously. even now i’m watching a movie that we discussed during those final days of our friendship. i know these will go away with time, that i will have less and less to remind me as other stimuli fills my brain. i just can’t believe we may never talk again. ever. this is what i was thinking of sending him… well a smaller version, but this was what kept spiraling through:
i know that i’m probably blocked right now or will be shortly after this message. everything else has me blocked, what fun! i wonder if it was your choice or someone else’s or a combination and to what degree. i suppose it could have been in response to me making my instagram private. it’s not fair, you being able to see my life while i knew none of yours… anyway. your birthday came and went and i wasn’t able to say happy birthday. i understand why. i want you to know that. i understand why in so many ways, from her, from you. do you understand what your friends said about me was always true now? that i’m a bad person and untrustworthy and probably a million other things. despite all of this, know that i loved you a crazy amount. i wish most days that i had realized and shared it with you sooner, not that it would have changed things certainly, but i always wonder. i think the reason you let me go so slowly was partly for me. you knew i couldn’t live without you just yet and to give hope was the only way to keep me afloat from afar. thank you. thank you for loving me so much. for so long. did you know that you’ve healed me in ways? i think i told you that. i’m now capable of more than running from people! i can speak my mind somewhat effectively. i have feelings that are recognized and real. i value the people in my life so much more now and miss talking to them before their even gone… i should have told you i started to date someone along the way. it was really messed up and smack in the middle of the mess that we were making. i really, truly love and care for him. i can acknowledge this only because of my mistakes, but as a best possible outcome for me, now you know i’ve found at least one other person on earth i love. of course i still love you, i always will, but i can’t sit in that forever. i love that you’ve found someone you love, even strongly enough that you would get rid of me forever. i’m still debating whether to ask your brother to keep his promise and please tell me if you ever die. i still wonder about the situation where we didn’t talk forever and the last time i saw you was “at your death bed” and if it would still make you happy to hear my voice.
so really all i wanted to say:
i wish you all the happiest birthdays from here forward.
i wish you the happiest life.
i wish you an insurmountable amount of happiness! and love! and laughter!
i wish i could hear you do this once more, “ohhhhhh noooooo [ends in max-specific chuckle]”
i wish i could text you when i hear “the girl”
i wish we could talk for just 5 minutes a year at least.