i think i don’t love myself as much as i love others. in fact, i haven’t been in love with myself for a very long time. i’m not sure how to go about this. i think this is how my anxiety really popped up. i also wonder if now that i’ve got a label for it, “my anxiety” is really just a scapegoat. i used to be quirky and fun, but i also used to not care about a damn thing. now i don’t know who i am or what i’m doing or where i’m going.
yesterday i couldn’t feel anything at all. i often really on my feelings to tell me what i want to do. the answer was: . nothing sounded appealing. nothing took a leap forward. i ended up at beers with friends. that was fun for a while. then we went to HH for another beer or 2 and during the first quarter of the second beer i got really overcome by missing nate. i just miss my friend. its really fucking sad that you care so much about this person and then you break up and have to pretend that they don’t exist anymore. that nothing that happened between you mattered. that the way you felt for them was so nonexistent that it was all imaginary to begin with. maybe it was. but the thing about feelings is that they are valid if you have them. blah! why is it all so mythically tangible!
i’m not very much fun to be around. and i haven’t been. WHAT HAPPENED! i’ve started this new thing that i have to get 10 laughs a day. gradually i’ll increase this, but that’s my aim for now… i’m hoping this will decrease some behaviors and increase others.