and so it goes.

nate texted me to grab a drink yesterday.

i think this means he has something to tell me. beeks thinks he just misses me and may want to get back together. with the way things ended, i don’t think that’s true. i think all of this is confusing me.

OKAY. scratch all of that. i thought i would need to write about it, but instead i chose talking to rachel and beeks. thank god. they are brilliant people. at some point i decided meeting up does nothing positive for me, so i texted nate and told him i wasn’t willing to meet up. this, surprisingly, sparked a pretty tense reply. well, well, well. so i’m fucking with his head… ugh. before i was just keeping up with him selfishly. now that i know it’s actually doing something negative, i need to quit it…

so today, because of course i couldn’t sleep. i started thinking of everything again. this takes a lot of time… turns out. so my sleep, my run, my drive, and part of work were all devoted to assessing things. i think his main motivation is guilt. ugh. that’s annoying. who wants people to do things out of guilt? you want them to do them because they WANT to, ya know. another thing is he knows he fucked things up, what specifically that is, i can’t really tell. a relationship? yes. a friendship? probably.

rach said that he was my project instead of my partner. that’s very true. i often view him, and i can say it like this because it was me at one point too, as the hulk. like there’s this normal human that wants to be cool and have an easy life, but at some point hulks out and HULK SMASHES everything in sight. sometimes that’s people. sometimes it was me. sometimes it was my heart. ouch. and i couldn’t blame him for it, because it wasn’t a side of him that even he likes. but i forgot to keep myself safe, and that’s not fair to ignore.

so as with most things i’m rolling around on… i made a list of reasons why i wanted to see him and reasons i didn’t, and tried to be brutally honest with myself. here’s what i got:

yes: i miss you, i still like you, i want to be friends, i want to be more, i want to jump you, i want to fix you, i want to know you’re okay, i want to make you feel better, i want to show off, i want to get closure, i want to move on, i want to be a part of your life, i enjoy complicated people, i never want to feel like i can’t talk to someone, i want to see you on my terms, some part of me feels okay with not being loved back, i like playing games

no: i want to stop hurting, i still like you, you can hurt me more, you can say nice things, you can say mean things – even if unintentional, i want to put myself first, my feelings for you cloud my judgement, i want control, i can get rejected again, i don’t want to do all the work, my life is easier without all this stress, i want people in my life that don’t make me feel bad for caring, i haven’t been alone in a long time.

in the end, there are more yeses than minuses, but most are selfish.

me (last night): it feels weird for me too, that’s why i asked before and said yes today
him(last night): it sucks. a lot. i guess i’ll be around if you want to talk sometime down the road.
me (today): listen, i know it does suck a lot. i’ve been thinking about all the reasons why. i want to know yours.
him(today): it sucks because 1. i know that i hurt you and you definitely didn’t deserve it. 2. i really miss you and all the fun we had together. 3. i am realizing that i always sabotage good things and usually choose self destructive behavior over positive changes. 4. you were really kind and patient with me and that is rare. 5. i am an idiot. 6. i feel like i lost a really good friend. and more and not necessarily in that order.
me:
last text intentionally left blank.

it still all means not enough to me. i still need to work on myself.

 

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