my boyfriend. oh my gosh.
i’ve been freaking out recently. i get so scared that the people i love will leave me, so i retract and create distance and do everything i can to obsess. i wish my mind wouldn’t go to the worst places ever, but i don’t know that i’ve actually worked things out with any person i’ve dated, just let things fester. a couple of weeks ago, we had a run-in with his ex. she’s a friend of a friend so it’s not a surprise that it could happen, just didn’t seem to work out very well. his nature is to close down, and he did; thanks to the trail of gossip, i also accused him of lying to me! so, i’m not always the best girlfriend… anyway. shit was weird. it got better, but kind of not. then i realized he’s probably under all this stress with a new job and moving all very close together. so, i decided not to shake things up. i’m not a great confrontation person, so there’s that.
the other day he finally moved everything though. i went over to mix fancy drinks and distract (read: cleavagey/low-cut top). so he put stuff together and asked for input. i left for a while and all progress ceased… so you can go to the bar, but not to my coworker thing? which i actually thought was really funny, but he apologized profusely over. so then things got put together a little more while we continued to hangout and chat etc. so fun! chris, becca, rebecca, nathan and i. what a wonderful group! we were sitting outside and somehow things came up. i told him that i thought he was only interested me at certain points. he told me not at all! he told me he thinks about me all the time. that the whole time he was stuck in the new job/apartment loop, it came back to me. that he thought of us doing things in his apartment, watching tv, making dinner, being lazy, having fun. so adorable. then he kept going. and really gave me some confidence. he told me again that i lit up his life, all the reasons he admires me, that he without a doubt loves me. this wonderful, amazing man showed me that he knew me and very well, and loves me for all of it. i almost cried. i was so stunned. i knew i loved him, but wanted to wait to tell him because i didn’t know if he would reciprocate, ever. he said he was scared to use those words because they are heavy hitting. i was/am too.
but this is amazing. he is amazing. i love that he thinks so long and involved about everything. i love that i can give him space, and now definitely trust him to make his own decisions. i love that i’m a part of his life in a big way. i love that he wants to be a part of my life, that he makes me laugh every day. that he wants me around. i love that he is motivated to do art and will inspire me to do more. his emotions are deep, and his care for me is undeniable. i want him always and have never been more attracted to anyone. i can’t believe how lucky i am to have him love me back. i love that we are creating a life that leads back to each other. i want to do all the things with him. always.