i keep having dreams about us breaking up. i am constantly trying to squelch this fear, but boom, sleep time = unlucky thoughts. i need to manage the dreams! i’m trying to work out how to bring this up. last time did not go well. in fact i was told that i was wrong and the reason i was feeling this way was because i invite people everywhere all the time. i stopped inviting people everywhere. it hasn’t made the difference i was looking for. i think that i need someone that is more present. it drives me insane to pretty much always make the first move conversationally in a day. and it bothers me to no end that i can’t get him to say a word about us until we’re both pretty fucked up. then the floodgates open and everything spills out. that’s great and all, but i have a tough time remembering all that we say, and then shit gets lost in the tailspin. there’s also the issue that that happens about once a month. that’s only twelve times a year. that pace does not work well for me… i know this is something we talked about when we got back together. it was something he wanted to try to change, but maybe that’s all just something you say to get what you want. it’s like, last time i said something he was all, well it’s not a problem for me, so figure it out. i get that it’s annoying to do something you don’t exactly want to do all the time, but like i have needs too. and it kind of hurts that he didn’t even try to see my point of view. it’s just like, start seeing things my way! ugh.

i can’t even tell how big of a deal this is. everyone has been all, actions speak louder than words, but the problem is when we’re not together, i see zeros actions. when were together, it’s all, “duh, we’re good.” to me it feels like an emotional rollercoaster, like i have to be fine doing on my own and super in it when we’re together. these two things seem incompatible to me, but isn’t that the exact reason i couldn’t get it together with max? i wasn’t ever ready to be all in all the time, needed my space and freedom like i need sleep and water? i don’t understand where all my inconsistency comes from. it’s hard to manage for sure. one minute i’ll be “i miss him” and the next it’s “i needed some fucking time apart.” i think it’s just that he like the time apart to be further than i feel comfortable with. like last weekend we spent all 3 days in each other’s faces, and i was pretty talked out by the 3rd, but now i won’t see him for just as many days. like it’s a minimum window of 3 days then. totally messes with my brain space.

i really like waking up with him too. i think that’s part of it. one of my favorite things is to roll over and see him there, staring back at me or fast asleep. it makes getting out of bed the most difficult part of my day, all i want to do is lay around, snuggle, talk, sleep, have sex, and laugh. i love those mornings. the frequency has gone down though, which makes me pretty sad.

is this an issue? how big of one is it? i feel like maybe not that big, but if it keeps coming up and it hurts me, shouldn’t i say something?


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