i don’t know what to do with myself

so. we are chugging along as per usual, doing well when together and being distance separated when not. we got into a big convo a couple weeks ago about how this is the most contact he’s been in with a g/f, that he’s trying very hard to see things the way i need him too, and i have been as well. unfortunately, you can only try hard for so long before breaking the camel’s back, ammiright?

i get so weird when we’re not in contact. seriously. like i think it’s part of my anxiety that i’ve been trying to control, and can’t for whatever reason. i don’t know what to do. it’s like i don’t know how to talk to him, which in turn shuts him down. lately, he’s been so “tired” i’m waiting for him to figure out that it’s with me. maybe we’re just bad for each other. we’re both so moody that neither of us can be stable. it’s hard to see the good in us when most of it is bad when we’re together.

friday night he disappeared after drinking too much. of course i thought, a. he was dead. 2. he was with some other girl. that’s really crazy, because when would he have time for other girls? i take up too much as it is! but still. i wound up in bed alone (frequently these days) and had had enough to drink to almost regurgitate in the middle of the night. maybe from booze, maybe from all the sickening thoughts i had.

you’re supposed to have fun with your partner. you’re supposed to like them. right now, i’m not sure if we’re just in a serious rut, or if it’s time to split, which i still don’t want. but why? am i a masochist? maybe. there’s something i’m not getting that i need desperately though. and no matter how i try to fix it, maybe it’s just not something he can provide. so i need to decide to take him as he is, or move on completely. it’s really unfair for me to be so half shell-shocked when i see him, but i don’t know if that’s something i can control. i guess he’ll let me know when he gets sick of it entirely.

for now, i need to write more. i haven’t been and its driving me crazy. also. more about the good.

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