so a few months ago, i had a freakout that we were distant. basically when i talked to him about it, he was like, i don’t have that problem, you do something to fix it. i wanted us to be a team and figure out a way for me to feel safe and secure. instead i got this.
behaviorally, when a behavior is put on extinction, a new one arises. mine was to consistently be in contact and see each other. if the only time i get reassurance from him is when we’re together, then the distance when apart had to also feel smaller too. so i admittedly selfishly did whatever the fuck i wanted to do without much regard for his feelings and needs. that is an awful move to make, but he also didn’t communicate his needs to me until a couple of weeks ago. we had a long late night talk that didn’t get resolved at all. so then we have issues that we don’t talk about, meanwhile things are getting worse. and i finally asked him to talk to me about it the other day.
so i go over and he’s like, i’m so tired and depleted from all of this emotionally, etc. like me, it wears on him physically, which is exactly how i felt when i had this talk with him about the distance. we get into it, and he’s like we see each other top to bottom every week and 2-3 times a week and text on the days in between. i say that i need that text to make me feel okay, and he’s like i need distance to make me feel okay. completely opposite problems. and he says it’s never enough for me. that’s because i’m asking for a behavior that is an exchange for what i really need. the thing is i know he can do it, and apparently he won’t. so i ask for an alternative, and he still can’t give me that. that’s not fucking fair to me at all. i’m supposed to be stable and calm and loosen the reigns and he gets exactly what he wants without giving me anything? that’s not really a compromise at all. that’s me compromising.
he wants to separate our lives more, and i’m actually really okay with that. i think we have gotten to a point where we need some recharging. and we spend a lot of time together on the weekends without alone time. i hate that he thinks i’m going to spaz out as soon as he asks for some space. i have never done that in the past, and don’t know at all where he’s getting this from.
so then he asks me if i’m still going to seattle this weekend, and i say i will decide tomorrow. and he’s like okay. we haven’t talked all day and i’m like wondering how he is, etc. which roles into me being needy and asking for some reassurance, to which he basically tells me to fuck off. that. that right there. i’m asking for something i need. and he says no. nail, meet coffin.