Here I sit

Here I sit awaiting a fun day on the boat. I’m completely unbalanced emotionally and I’m not sure what this means. Maybe I can’t reach the balance or maybe it’s the situation. I’ve never really felt in control of my moods or otherwise my actions sometimes. I’m struggling with day to day. I can’t turn my brain off and I can’t actively make most decisions.

Yesterday, we apologized to each other about being assholes on opposite dimensions. Go figure. It made me feel really good that he communicated wih me what was going on. He is  capable and being sensitive to what I need. As the day wore on I began to miss my friend. The friend that’s been in my life a lot recently and possibly too much to allow either of us to be ourselves. I think we’re not good at identifying exactly what we feel and additionally uncertain about how to communicate those things as well. So I we decided to take a few more days to think about things and brace against some of the urgency we feel. The thing is that doesn’t leave space for us to heal at all together.

I suggested we get together before another serious talk to just hang out. He accepted and gave me only tomorrow as an option. So, receptive, but I’m still left waiting and unexcited. I don’t know what the time delay is about, obviously since I’m left out of the loop in general the last few days.

Mackenzie and I discussed a lot about our similar issues. I think I may actually have anxiety issues that cannot be squelched by myself or another person. I don’t know what that means for me at this point.

and then. i went to the boat and thought of all the things anyone needs to bring balance to their lives let alone the other person’s. like we need time together and apart. and time with others vs. with others. we need our needs met, while still maintaining the other’s. i think the thing thats driving me so crazy right now is that i want to just be done and come back when i choose. this seems unrealistic and unbalanced though. like i know that’s the case. and managing that with the other person’s leave and come back ratio is even harder. distance makes me feel good to a point, and  then i feel awful. i think i tried to give him just enough distance to feel good, but for me it felt like the awful creeping in.

i have no idea what he’s done yesterday. or today. or tomorrow. that makes me feel out of the loop and distant in a way that, to me seems detrimental. to him it’s exactly what he needs, to have his own life and not have to tell me any part of it until he sees me again. that’s it though, like why can’t you give me some indication? like i’m doing this with this person. or whatever. i just don’t understand why he has to keep so much of his life separate from me. like i’m not allowed to know what is happening. i know that is how he is with others as well, but why? why does it have to be THAT separate?

i suggested that we meet and not talk about serious things before we talk about serious things tomorrow. now that i’ve suggested it, i don’t want it. i don’t think i can stomach a whole lunch not knowing where things are headed. he told me not to overanalyze everything he says, but how can i not, when he gives me almost nothing to go on consistently?

becs says it sounds like i don’t trust him. and i think the root is that i don’t. i don’t trust him to take time and not be completely selfish and find someone else. like i think he already has. what’s the point of staying in anything when you can’t trust the person that you’re with and they give you almost zero indication or validation to? how can i love someone completely without that? i can’t give him the space he needs without that trust. and he hasn’t given me the security i need to do so.

he says he’s a secure person. but only in what he needs and wants. he’s pretty selfish about all these things and i don’t know if its something i can get past. like he shows me so many ways in which he’s capable when HE’s ready for it. which let’s be real i can’t judge him for because i am that way too. like i don’t know things until i know, and don’t say them until that happens.

the pictures we’ve taken all have memories attached to them. and none of them are good. that bothers me a lot. like one is right before we broke up for the first time, the next is me being uncertain of our trajectory getting back together, after was me feeling like even after being together for an entire weekend, we could barely talk to each other. why is nothing tainted with good? because i’m insecure about me or us?

i think the answer is both. i learned last year that i have massive anxiety. i’m since learning it’s debilitating. even further, i can’t seem to get ahold of myself in a relationship or other relationships. when i’m at work i feel dead of the life outside of it is not fulfilling to my standards. i struggling to recognize whether i have ridiculous standards or if i’m anxiously ridden in general. i can’t seem to calm these thoughts through just about any non medicated needs.

what i can’t get past is when people think it’s right, you just know it. i feel like i’ve known it, but i just am hung up on something i don’t understand.

i think the scariest part for me is that instead of figuring things out together, this feels like a war.

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