oh i kind of see.

i had a dream of max last night. i can’t remember everyone that was there, because they changed like anyone’s crazy dream. beeks and i went boating and thought we had sunk the ship, turns out that we just ended up digging the wrong one out of the water. the boat had been there all along. so we go back to max’s cabin to shower and change and things. they show up. emily is curious to meet me, just like i am to her. i come out in my pajamas, which is chris’ nurse pants and nathan’s blue sweater. he is wearing something similar. she just stares and he turns “nice sexy gear” (or something) it surprises me that we are almost matching. she leaves mostly. even without her theremax gives me dead eyes and makes small comments amongst the group. i finally tell him that rachel is getting married to chris and shout it directly at him because all of my friends already know. they laugh at me and he looks at me shocked. everyone kind of fades and he won’t really talk to me. then i get ready to leave, and he says its for the best. i can’t find the things that i want to wear out, to cling to. i’ve lost an earring, or rather, carissa has lost my earring for me. i say it’s fine and move on. i try to stuff everything back into the bags we’ve brought. and make about 3 trips past everyone, feeling awkward and wanting my friend. nothing.

meanwhile, i think i’ve felt very guilty towards nathan about the max thing. that they overlapped at all, that i didn’t know if i could give him anymore of me, because it still belonged to max. and in the end, i needed it to belong to me. i couldn’t get it back and haven’t been able to because i haven’t been alone and dealt with it. it’s hard to come to terms with what is a dream and what was reality. i think that max was such a dream and invested in a way that no one will probably ever be able to compare to. he gave me hope about myself that i’ve never been able to do for myself before. he knew me and asked and pushed me to really examine and question. nathan didn’t. i thought that was just his MO, but i think he just doesn’t know how to ask the right questions.

i got very close to divulging my secret of the overlap between them. i thought i was holding onto it for his benefit, but i just thought he would always feel less. i didn’t want him to think the only reason i was with him was by default. it wasn’t that at all. i had feelings for him that were strong enough to make me question the ones i had for the person i had been trying to get to love me for the better part of a year. it sucks because in the end, i let max decide. i think if it had come down to it, i would have chosen nathan, because there was something about him that i had just never felt before.

i pushed so hard for us to date because i had a big whole to fill. and there’s something about him that i just knew we would. it’s crazy sounding, and makes me feel insane to admit, but i knew i would date nathan the second time i met him. that’s scary, to hang onto something like that for years and then have it come up, i couldn’t pass it up. now i think i’ve ruined my chances with him ever. that sucks. but i keep coming back to: i need to deal with stuff from max. i wasn’t willing to let nathan in, so i couldn’t do it with him there.

i can’t stop thinking about him either. it’s driving me crazy. like i just want to stop, but i don’t know how. luckily i’m getting my logic back and haven’t done or said anything more.


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