Forgiveness

I think I did some very bad things with Nathan. I hid that the beginning of our relationship was not overlapping like he did for me. When we got back together, I hid that I hadn’t totally forgiven him. He was just so happy to be back together, I didn’t want to make him feel terrible that I was still hurting. I didn’t tell him that some days I cried because of it. I let it fester and balloon inside of me. I let it sit in my insecure stomach for almost the entire scope of this last round. Anytime there may have been a seed of doubt, instead of squelching it, it became large and in charge. It fed like a fire, hungry for more woods and lands to burn. I thought if I just waited long enough it wouldn’t be capable of surviving, instead it built a home in me huge enough to end us. What a fucked up way to go about things.

And then, when things are over and truly dead, I blame him for not opening up, not talking about his feelings. Like I couldn’t trust him. I feel really bad about making him believe he is the terrible monster he’s always believed he was. When the bridges are burning, they all go fucking fast.

i know why we can’t have anything real, neither of us will let it happen. Me because I don’t want to fuck up not loving someone again by never hurting them, and him because it’s too hard to let someone close enough to hurt him. pain, you are too powerful a path leader in my life. I want to work on this.

How do you forgive yourself? How do you let things go without another person? funny thing, I’m not sure mom did either.

i will never be able to ask max for forgiveness, but I might with Nathan.

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