numb weirdness.

i’m writing more. with no fewer conclusions to be drawn.

yesterday, mackenzie and i were talking about a lot. i was shaking. i shake when i’m uncomfortable. i really didn’t want to have that conversation at that time, but oh well. you can’t hide behind booze forever.

i’m felt very guilty about everything earlier, but now i see. he just doesn’t have the same feelings that i did. we couldn’t connect because he didn’t. it’s okay. i’ll find someone some day that will.

i texted him today.

“i miss my friend today. i think its been a long time since we’ve truly talked, aside from last week. i hope you are feeling better.”
response: “hey erin. i miss my friend too. i’m okay i guess. i hope you are feeling okay too.”
“i fell like i am on a roller coaster still. ranging from good to shitty and hitting every stop in between. i’d say the average is about a 3/10”
“i am doing a lot of processing though, so that’s fun”
response: “sounds familiar.”

i think that’s it. i’m letting go of it. and him. and any hope i had for the future of being friends or whatever. i don’t think i want to be his friend. i don’t think i could stomach it all.

time. time. time. is all we have, and all we need.

i thought of texting rebecca. i don’t know that i can be friends with her either. i feel like something will happen with them. i don’t want to be around when she tells me. then i got a text from her. ugh. again, i will be the bigger person and deal with my feelings and let them go, if it comes to that.

my head is just so heavy right now. i’m tired but can’t sleep and sad but can’t cry. and mad but can’t scream. and horny but can’t look for anyone. and sick of it all. the only thing i want is all of it out of my head. luckily, he will do me the favor of almost never being around when i’m there. that is nice. even if he was, i’m not sure i would care all that much. i just wouldn’t talk. i’m pretty numb, i guess.


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