Ugly

I am an ugly, manipulative, liar. I do not deserve the people in my life. No one should trust me. I am too selfish and will take more then I deserve. I’m too immature to be real with people. And they see that more easily then I give them credit for. No wonder no one […]

shocks.

i’ve known that there was something different about nathan. i don’t know how to describe it. i just feel things. like all of the anxiety before. i think that manifested of jealousy and fear. i knew he would leave. he always has. but there’s something else. like i’ve been imprinted on. i feel like a […]

i get it all.

maybe i was attracted to him because i understood inherently what he was going through. i don’t know. there’s something that made me feel less lost about being with him. like i knew it all without him having to say it. and that felt good to me. to understand i’m not alone. to know that […]

surprise

i think the thing is that he constantly surprises me. like i thought he wouldn’t be there for me at all. and he has. and continues to be. and i thought he’d never crack. and then he did. and i asked so many questions. and he answered them all. and he’s never lied to me. […]

too soon means nothing

everyone keeps saying maybe it was too soon to see each other. i don’t think so. i think it will never be enough time. i care too deeply for anything to not affect me. i was scared to see him to know that it was time to move on. i will. i know that. i […]

better.

seeing nathan yesterday was really good. like he was weird, as always. i was nervous about seeing him since our texts talking about where to go, etc threw me off. i got there first and of course, he relied on me to start talking about whatever i was doing. i always have a lot going […]

Nervous excitement

Otherwise known as anxiety. Of course I’ve been thinking far too much about meeting up. I think the thing I need to recognize is what to do when I feel that way. When we were together I ignored it. Now I want to address it and remain calm. He seems very confused right now. Unfocused […]

here i am.

i’m in the midst of studying for the gre, beginning to run again, helping (what little i can) to plan rach’s wedding, and getting my life in well working order. i’ve done a lot of checks and balances since nathan and i broke up. i’ve been trying to assertion when those anxious feeling arise, what […]