here i am.

i’m in the midst of studying for the gre, beginning to run again, helping (what little i can) to plan rach’s wedding, and getting my life in well working order. i’ve done a lot of checks and balances since nathan and i broke up. i’ve been trying to assertion when those anxious feeling arise, what i need when they do, and how to fix/prevent them in the future. the answer seems to be time alone. i need a lot of it. and sleep. and quiet. and at the opposite point, there are times when i need to be surrounded by friends. and admired. and desired. i always come back to this, balance. i don’t know how to balance myself in a relationship. i get so into it, it becomes so out of balance that i can’t even see what the other side is supposed to look like.

with max, i always used to run. with nathan, i tend to plant. maybe with someone else i will be able to do both.

we’re supposed to meet up today to talk. i miss him. he says he misses me. he seems not in a great place, i’m not sure if i am, but it must be better than his. he has few words for me still. i have so many when it comes to him; i’m not sure why. with max i had so few for a long time. i just want things he can’t give me. he’s so closed off that i won’t ever get what i want. it’s addicting. and terrible for me. how do you stop choosing the emotional basket cases? am i one? the similarities between our issues seem so great and insurmountable.

although, i think i’m assuming we’re exactly the same. and we’re not. the reason i shut down this time was because i liked him so much. with max, i thought i didn’t like him enough and didn’t want to invest too much into him then. that must be how nathan feels about me. as heartbreaking as it may be, i have to recognize that he doesn’t feel for me like i do for him. i was instantly zapped when i met him. something that’s only ever happened to me less than a handful of times before. it grew over several years and turned into this. at least i’m aware now. that’s what it takes to change things.

he does not think he can fall in love with me again. asking whether it ever happened is pointless. that is not the point i’m at now. i am going to find someone who makes me want to stay so badly. who loves me crazily and deeply. who wants to be amazing and watch me be amazing and grow into a magnificent love together.

i’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.

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