Nervous excitement

Otherwise known as anxiety. Of course I’ve been thinking far too much about meeting up. I think the thing I need to recognize is what to do when I feel that way. When we were together I ignored it. Now I want to address it and remain calm.

He seems very confused right now. Unfocused and depressed. I took it as an afront to me, but I think I will attempt to block this. My arousal spiked when we were texting earlier. I let it get to me, but now I want to harness it for good feelings. I think that’s why we always had such strong chemistry to me. Because I was always hyper aroused by the anxiety. This is bad. I need to start anticipating the bad arousal and push it towards evolving differently.

I also need to worry about me only in this situation. I feel like I was always so concerned with bringing him back from the edge of indecision, I wasn’t able to just breathe. I felt claustrophobic. I need to assess my feelings better. That’s something I struggle with. I name things I’m doing as feelings instead of actual feelings.

I am tired though. All of this reminds me of how tired I was in out relationship. I could barely keep my eyes open because I was struggling to drag a weight from the bottom of the ocean. He wants to remain there. I am the bobble you keep on a fishing line. It strives to be above the water, but dives deep under when it’s buoyancy is disturbed by the hook’s catch. Mine was anvil. The line to the top snapped; it’s just too heavy. He’s to heavy for me to carry back to the light side. I struggled to do this by never discussing my own dark feelings and thoughts. It didn’t work. Because he doesn’t want it. He’s addicted to sadness. I get that; sometimes I am too.

We went so long without really getting to know each other. I think were both fairly intuitive and relied heavily on that to push us forward. On to the next thing. To a new state of being, and when it didn’t evolve: break up.

Today I will deflect the sadness. I am good at that.

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