seeing nathan yesterday was really good. like he was weird, as always. i was nervous about seeing him since our texts talking about where to go, etc threw me off. i got there first and of course, he relied on me to start talking about whatever i was doing. i always have a lot going on, since i can’t stand to sit still. i told him a bunch of stuff, until he finally cracked. he told me he’s seeing a therapist. i started to dig too quickly. he’s got such a funny way of beating around how he wants to discontinue a conversation. “we can stop talking about this.” do you mean “i want to stop talking about this,” yes. okay…
after a while, we began talking more in depth again. it was like crack. i get what max meant, when he said that. i just wanted to know more and more. he’s depressed again, and doing something about it finally. he’s recognized he has a drug problem and hurt people and been so hurt in the past and doesn’t trust anyone. ahhhhh. when i hugged him, i didn’t want to let go, but it all felt so different. maybe because the anxiety i had with him is gone. i’m not in control and neither is he. he’s just doing some splitting at the seams. this is so fucking good for him. he’s going to be so amazing. i want to know it all, but it’s not for me to know.
he’s guilty about how he’s treated me. i told him i felt the same. he said i seem good. i said i am. but i’ve forgiven myself for things he doesn’t know about and had to move on, and he would need to do that too. he misses being close. he said that he knows that’s how this goes, but he misses it anyway. i hate not talking to people. i told him that i was flooded with memories and i didn’t want to have another person i couldn’t talk to. we discussed a lot of things about our relationship. how i felt distant, but how i thought i do that when i’m in one. i get incapable of diving deeper. i shut down. how the only time i felt like we really talked about things was when we were fucked up or breaking up, and that sucked.
maybe i’ve outgrown him. or just moved on. that’s what i thought when i left. but i tossed and turned last night and woke up at 3am. maybe i’m just too stressed about him, i want to continue talking to him indefinitely. i am still into him. but it’s changed and i don’t know what to do with it. i think nothing. i have to leave him alone. he has a lot of shit to do. i cannot be selfish and take what i want. that’s it. it’s gotta be over.
you still are not in love with me. you will not be capable of that. you don’t have the same feelings i have for you. i need to go away. for good. it seemed so easy last night. like i was in touch with that. i am not. i can’t watch you go. and i can’t be there for you like i want to be, because i will end up hurt again. i need to make positive moves for myself, like you are now. it still hurts. loving you has always only hurt me.