too soon means nothing

everyone keeps saying maybe it was too soon to see each other. i don’t think so. i think it will never be enough time. i care too deeply for anything to not affect me. i was scared to see him to know that it was time to move on. i will. i know that. i think i need to be alone too. like he does. he said he won’t get right being with anyone. i agree. i pushed myself into this because i felt so strongly for him. its was real. i think i was trying to tell myself it wasn’t. but it was. it all demands to be felt. i struggle because i need to leave him alone, but i don’t know how. like max, i don’t know how. i will feel differently in a week or a few days time. i know that. i had to leave work. it’s hard to provide reinforcement when you feel so crummy. lee was there for me with the tissues. and kept reminding me that i was crying. he probably thinks that’s not what you’re allowed to do. because only babies cry. i couldn’t explain my tears to him. and i couldn’t tell his mom anything more than i have to go; i can’t stay.

i told nathan. he thinks it’s too soon to talk then. which is fine. he can think it’s too soon. he keeps telling me he’s a mess, like i don’t already know. he says he cares for me still. he wants to give it more space, totally i agree. he wants me to move on. to be better. but wants to keep in touch. i told him i can’t not. clearly. i just don’t know how to not. i need to let go more.

i came home to cry and lay in bed. and listen to music. and try to heat the cold that’s settled into me. he said it’ll get easier for us. that we’ll figure it out. we. there is not supposed to be a we in that statement. or an us.

i wanted to not want it. to be in each other’s lives in a major way. i wanted to be over it. it’s the trauma resurfacing. which will lead to acceptance.

i deleted tinder and instagram for now. thinking about either makes me feel like throwing up.

the anxiety of being around him is gone though. which felt really good. now it’s just a gapping heart wound. i didn’t think i had one. and i do. i didn’t think i could feel. i’m consistently proved wrong.

maybe i just have to stop picking at the scab for a while. i know that’s what everyone is saying by too soon.

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