maybe i was attracted to him because i understood inherently what he was going through. i don’t know. there’s something that made me feel less lost about being with him. like i knew it all without him having to say it. and that felt good to me. to understand i’m not alone. to know that all of the weight i feel isn’t just something people cope with better. that there may be a person that feels at a deeper level and also can’t formulate the words for this deep sense of despair that haunts. not communicating that is in one sense helpful, so i don’t dive deeper into it, and another sense unhelpful. i think he doesn’t get that i know. i know it all. i used many of the same tactics he grew accustomed to. that it’s all this strange amalgamation that you don’t know what to do with and don’t know how to make it better. that this weight on my heart is ever very briefly lifted.
there’s like this awful feeling i have that the one person that loved me despite those things, that had love in his heart only for me. that couldn’t comprehend, but always attempted to understand what i needed was someone i pushed away. and that i will never find that again. but with that i felt completely isolated as well. like he would never be able to know what deep pain i have. and the reasons i run. and the reasons i can’t be what he wanted. but always had faith i could. i don’t want to carry regret on top of everything else, but its there now. and how do you get rid of that?
its not healthy for me to be with someone else in pain though. no matter what i feel. in some ways the weight of his and mine, others the joy of kindred spirits. i don’t know who understands me. i feel like it’s a select few. not even nathan could see the pain with which i walk daily. someone i found easy to know because he at least recognized it was there and reminded me every step of the way. maybe i’m just that good at faking. my projection is almost the opposite of what i generally feel. i don’t understand how to make it accurate, and when i do, i feel guilty for being down. and that pushes me further still. to the point where being alone is easy, because i don’t want to hurt anyone ever, and my suffering is easier to ignore than theirs.
too similar. too much. it’s all just too much to bear. and when the dust settles, where will i be? am i just wallowing? is that it? how do you stop then? when does it get easy?