shocks.

i’ve known that there was something different about nathan. i don’t know how to describe it. i just feel things. like all of the anxiety before. i think that manifested of jealousy and fear. i knew he would leave. he always has. but there’s something else. like i’ve been imprinted on. i feel like a honeybee to their flower. it’s more than i just want a boyfriend. i want him. like stacy said. and he just wanted to be in a relationship. there’s something so primal that has rooted me to him. it’s chemically or genetically based. i don’t get it at all, but i feel it. i felt it when i first met him. i felt a shock in my chest when i saw the picture of him and his niece he posted. i felt another yesterday. i guess i can’t tell if my body is telling me he is bad or good. or just that he is significant. but i can’t get too invested. he is going to leave. he will need me for certain things as he is undoing so much of his past. like max was there for me, i want to be there for him, but i think it would break me. he will leave me again. he always, always has. there’s no part that’s staying. i need to protect myself, especially if it feels like this already. i love him so inherently. i didn’t want to be just another one of his girlfriends, but that is not for me to decide. he is telling me to go, but to stay as well. it’s confusing and unfair. i think he wants to be friends. like adam. i think i will be able to eventually but it will take longer than either of us want.

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