external memory

in class we talk about external memory as a way to not have to keep the same thoughts circulating. that’s what i’m doing with this blog, i suppose.

well, I’ve decided that neither of them is permitted to be in my life anymore. at first i was reluctant to let them know they’ve affected me, but now i just don’t care to have them in my life. either of them. she is someone i can’t be friends with. we can’t talk about anything real. although we can dance around subjects while still communicating, it’s very apparent to me that the details are lost, and that’s what i love about my friendships, the details. the things that make that person special to me. i know i won’t be able to understand why she came at me so hard as a friend. maybe it’s what i did to margaret. i wanted to know what secrets she held to get to him. that was so fucked up of me. and immature. when we did finally start dating, that was not anywhere close to how i approached things; i ignored the fact that they were even together. this obviously was to my own detriment. what the fuck was i thinking? what did i think was going to happen? i OBVIOUSLY knew exactly what would happen. he would date me for a while, get bored, and when something seemingly better comes along, move on.

as much as i don’t want to, i worry for him. that he will forever be making the same mistakes, but it’s no longer my concern. maybe they’ll be like steve and alison, and i’m the lars. whatever, lars is happy now. neither of them are anywhere close to being my best friends either. i don’t need people like them in my life. i saw her edging in, and instead of being brave and saying something, i tried to save the relationship while it was crumbling around me. it wouldn’t have stopped anything anyway. even when he said he was all in, he was far too selfish to ever give me or us a chance to survive or thrive.

i escaped with less time put in then i would’ve put in. thank the lord for that. my time served was short, and the hurt is so great that it makes decisions easy now. nobody is going to treat me like this again.

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