i hate that i love him.

“you’re one of my best friends.” i didn’t even know i had that title. a bit of a shocker for me. after everything, can i forgive and proceed like this? i don’t know if it’s worth it. i’m left wanting either way, but actively choosing to remain close to someone that has such an affect on me seems ludicrous. what am i doing? i’m asking myself over and over. i know what i need. i need to move on. i don’t know if i can move on from him emotionally unless i physically move from this place.

i told stephen and his friend casey the other day that in 6 months i would have a different life then i do now. what needs to change? my job for one. i told myself i wouldn’t let myself be involved with negative relationships. nathan wants to change the dynamic between us. that’s all i’ve ever wanted, but i don’t know that it’s possible for us or me to get in a place to be his friend. i think i’ll always want. i’m wanting either way though.

i just don’t want myself to go back to that weird introverted part of me. it’s annoying and unproductive.

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