mindfulness. this is all the buzz these days.
i am aware that i have little time left in portland and the delegation of this time seems vastly more important then it ever has. the prioritizing of all of the people and things i need to accomplish feels like impending doom. but like the best kind? i had a long chat with corey last night.
airplane mode enforced.
we discussed listening to the self. i think i’m having a hard time between making plans with people and making sure that the self motivation lines up with those plans. the intention is yes, but the reality is i may need to schedule some self time now. which is what i’m trying to do. the 5 things to be happier or whatever. those things will probably be of great value to me now. taking small amounts of time and using them efficiently. i love to do that anyway!
yoga was hard this morning. i just couldn’t focus on it and my breathing. my mind was slipping to things i want to do and say. present! i want to remain present. that’s why i’m practicing it though. it’s all practice to get to the present state of mind.
presents. i have so many to do/buy. yikes. it’s scary to think of all the connections i’ve made and how delicately i must approach the removal of myself. i think some are obvious and others will require more of me if i want to give adequately to them. i must remember that. how do you say good-bye for now but remember me always and i will do my best to see you again all in one short and sweet sentiment? maybe i’m just being too much of a “perfectionist.” that word has come up a lot in conversation and in therapy.
you think of everything as needing to be 100% and if it’s not then it’s damaging to the standard that you hold yourself to. and at the same time you can say, well i didn’t give it my 100% so of course it looks like or came out like _____. if i had, it would have been like _____. and so there is always someone there to forgive your shortcomings even though they were intentful shortcomings. intentful isn’t a word. well now it fucking is. right here.