transition

nathan and i had a very big day yesterday. we talked. a lot. i finally heard about his relationship with lauren. i told him about adam, chris, and max. about how i felt and what i have tried to deal with. that the feelings i have for him are what’s always been missing from other relationships. he told me he was proud of me for recognizing my unhappiness and making the necessary change that i needed to. that he would miss me and loved me. he told me while he was home that he thought of me often. that he wanted me at his friend’s wedding. could see me talking everyone’s ear off and having an amazing time. that he wanted me to meet harper. that he wants to go to my going away at laurie’s and meet eric. it’s funny that all of these desires come at what seems to be the close of our relationship.

meanwhile, rebecca saw us together and freaked out. she thinks that if he’s dating anyone, he should be dating her. also, that he’s continuing unhealthy cycles, which he is and knows. she said she wants to end their friendship for her and for him. i admire her for being stronger then me… sort of. it’s just taken me a bit longer then intended to end of everything amicably. she’s… more resolute in her steps? i’m also pissed at her for trying to make him decide between us. i don’t want that for him, her, or me. this triangle doesn’t work, but still. each person can only do what’s right for them. i’m happy i said something about their relationship a while ago. i’m unhappy that i am right. that she is manipulative. and now that she is causing him extreme anguish. i wish all of this was easier, but if it were easier or clearer, then the situation would have been over by now. this is complex with many moving parts.

speaking of moving… since he’s lost most of his support, nathan is moving home to cleveland. i think this is the best thing he could possibly do at this point. he needs his family. he thinks he has bipolar and needs to work through the ways he’s been self medicating.

it feels like a tragic love, but i can’t trade any part of what i’ve experienced, because i feel real and alive. i think we’re both making more adult decisions. i will miss him so much, but he needs to be okay with himself. i think he needs to be alone to feel the ownership necessary to make changes.

other then that… we napped together, had sex for the first time in a while, and went to the store. we were just together, and although he was rolling through emotions, we just were. that’s how i love being with him. we laughed at dumb stuff, we made the living room bed, and i actually stayed awake during a movie! i made us homemade raspberry sodalicious. so simple. i wish it were always this simple. i was supposed to leave after the movie, but fell asleep. i know he needs time to himself. i would too. anyone would.

beeks is mad at me. i get it. he loves me so much. i just don’t want to have to split my remaining time between the two of them.

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