thoughts.

i had a really rough day at work yesterday. i don’t feel like rehashing it here, but it definitely brings up my next point of contention. nathan. yes. him again.

we decided to get back together from across the ocean a few months ago. i knew at the time that this wasn’t the wisest decision, but in a way it’s helped me to clarify what my insecurities are and which ones come directly from him.

i’ve been feeling undervalued by him. not just as of late, but that’s kind of always how i felt. before i used to consider that it had to do with his emotional instability, unwillingness to commit, and refusal to let anyone in. well, a couple of those few are still true.

where does that leave me? trying to communicate and immediately feeling punished, seeking admiration outside of our relationship, and wanting to leave.

communication. when we discuss things on Skype that are uncomfortable, he pretty much shuts down about the topic. he does whatever he can to pacify the conversation and move it to a distracting topic. he then states i don’t need to wait for Skype to have these conversations. moving to when i do try to directly target that time: he says dismissive things like, “sorry you feel that way.” i thought we were supposed to talk about this shit? and i’m again met with a brick wall.

i’ve been spending a lot of time reading about relationships. what i can do to make ours better, etc. the thing is, i’m already doing them. he generally does not much, and i let him get away with it. so it’s either because he can’t show me cares or doesn’t actually care. regardless of the motivation, it still leaves me feeling undervalued, less then wanted, and impermanent. why does he even want me? because i understand his needs and don’t require him to reciprocate be meeting mine? that’s shitty and i do deserve much more.

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