in the wake

in the wake of the earthquake i’ve caused i’m going to write about all of my realizations.

value. i didn’t feel valued or prioritized by him. i can name at least 5 things that are more important to him then me. this is the most terrible feeling, since i was constantly thinking of ways to please him. to make him happy. to make sure he felt loved. that i could give him what he needed, even at an expense to myself. i was considering where we could move together and put his emotional needs before my preferences, which is something i was willing to do. but everything comes at a cost, and he doesn’t seem to pay any of it.

i offered to pay for him to come here. he would not accept this due to his own pride. he couldn’t deal with letting me care for him in that regard.

when we were breaking up, he was very nice about it. he said nice things, and i heard them. i just can’t believe them. there is a lack of evidence to back him up. my skin feels hot and burns, but i understand that i will feel pain before i will feel better.

intimacy and trust. i can’t trust him. i have no reason to. and when i try to bring up the emotional scars he’s given me, they are treated as insignificant. they are minimized and ignored. they cause more pain. and there’s no healing to be done. without trust we have nothing. and he’s shown over the last few months that i can’t trust him. i can’t invest in him.

rachel said that i haven’t been as bright. i told her this is what he does to me. she said thats not what you want. it’s not at all. i want a partner who can help me grow. i want someone that will push me a bit, challenge me.

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