unsettlement

this is the worst feeling in the world to me. you don’t know where you fit. or what you belong to. or where you’re going. or what you actually want. i know some of it is because of the drinking. there’s a lot changing from day to day too. new people. new feelings. and the […]

i’m so ….

nathan and i talked. he said that this isn’t what a relationship should be like. that you should be able to communicate or give warning that something was so upsetting. does that mean he would go to counseling? does that mean that he would change? does that me that i need to? what are the […]

in the wake

in the wake of the earthquake i’ve caused i’m going to write about all of my realizations. value. i didn’t feel valued or prioritized by him. i can name at least 5 things that are more important to him then me. this is the most terrible feeling, since i was constantly thinking of ways to […]

thoughts.

i had a really rough day at work yesterday. i don’t feel like rehashing it here, but it definitely brings up my next point of contention. nathan. yes. him again. we decided to get back together from across the ocean a few months ago. i knew at the time that this wasn’t the wisest decision, […]

i haven’t written in a while…

things that are different about oz: no driving – i love it. i never realized just how much i hated it until i didn’t do it. now i just sit on trains and read. reading – the internet/netflix/websites are different here. more commonly, i tend to read in down time. or drink, whichever comes first. […]

i’m here!

i made it to the land of oy. i mean of oz, silly! it’s pretty cool. i really like not driving. if i ever move again, i hope that i will never need a car again! fat chance, but this girl is dreaming of train lines. it just takes out so much stress right now. […]

tormented

today i have felt tormented. i think it’s from reducing the pain medication i heavily relied on last week during my tonsillectomy recovery. but still that chemical imbalance is not fun and is a very real, valid disturbing thing to deal with. so i looked up tormented in emotions. a website said it’s part of […]

transition

nathan and i had a very big day yesterday. we talked. a lot. i finally heard about his relationship with lauren. i told him about adam, chris, and max. about how i felt and what i have tried to deal with. that the feelings i have for him are what’s always been missing from other […]

and a good morning to you.

mindfulness. this is all the buzz these days. i am aware that i have little time left in portland and the delegation of this time seems vastly more important then it ever has. the prioritizing of all of the people and things i need to accomplish feels like impending doom. but like the best kind? […]

yes.

to answer your question, unfortunately, yes. it is all worth it. the good and the bad. it makes me feel, and if you aren’t feeling, you’re not living life to it’s potential. we are human and feelings and thoughts are what we do. i want all of them. that’s why we’ve let this continue so […]