come on, rain.

the rain in australia is a welcome occurrence. it’s been so hot for so long, just enveloping everything and everyone. most of the grass i see is scorched. i’m not sure how that came about in merely a week, but it’s likely i wasn’t paying attention. it’s heavy and pouring this morning. it’s very, very […]

shatter.

you think you’re fine. you think life will go on like normal. but it’s just a little, tiny bit different. you think this has happened before. you know you’ve felt it all before. because the same person has hurt you so many times. so this last time, the last feels like almost nothing at all. […]

unsettlement

this is the worst feeling in the world to me. you don’t know where you fit. or what you belong to. or where you’re going. or what you actually want. i know some of it is because of the drinking. there’s a lot changing from day to day too. new people. new feelings. and the […]

in the wake

in the wake of the earthquake i’ve caused i’m going to write about all of my realizations. value. i didn’t feel valued or prioritized by him. i can name at least 5 things that are more important to him then me. this is the most terrible feeling, since i was constantly thinking of ways to […]

external memory

in class we talk about external memory as a way to not have to keep the same thoughts circulating. that’s what i’m doing with this blog, i suppose. well, I’ve decided that neither of them is permitted to be in my life anymore. at first i was reluctant to let them know they’ve affected me, […]

fucking knew it.

beeks is claiming i didn’t know until after, but i fucking knew. they were practically dating already at the end of our relationship. i’m not sure how long they’ve been dating now, but i don’t fucking care. it makes no difference. the fact is that they are. the fact is that when it came down […]

Ugly

I am an ugly, manipulative, liar. I do not deserve the people in my life. No one should trust me. I am too selfish and will take more then I deserve. I’m too immature to be real with people. And they see that more easily then I give them credit for. No wonder no one […]

shocks.

i’ve known that there was something different about nathan. i don’t know how to describe it. i just feel things. like all of the anxiety before. i think that manifested of jealousy and fear. i knew he would leave. he always has. but there’s something else. like i’ve been imprinted on. i feel like a […]

i get it all.

maybe i was attracted to him because i understood inherently what he was going through. i don’t know. there’s something that made me feel less lost about being with him. like i knew it all without him having to say it. and that felt good to me. to understand i’m not alone. to know that […]

too soon means nothing

everyone keeps saying maybe it was too soon to see each other. i don’t think so. i think it will never be enough time. i care too deeply for anything to not affect me. i was scared to see him to know that it was time to move on. i will. i know that. i […]