come on, rain.

the rain in australia is a welcome occurrence. it’s been so hot for so long, just enveloping everything and everyone. most of the grass i see is scorched. i’m not sure how that came about in merely a week, but it’s likely i wasn’t paying attention. it’s heavy and pouring this morning. it’s very, very […]

i’m so ….

nathan and i talked. he said that this isn’t what a relationship should be like. that you should be able to communicate or give warning that something was so upsetting. does that mean he would go to counseling? does that mean that he would change? does that me that i need to? what are the […]

in the wake

in the wake of the earthquake i’ve caused i’m going to write about all of my realizations. value. i didn’t feel valued or prioritized by him. i can name at least 5 things that are more important to him then me. this is the most terrible feeling, since i was constantly thinking of ways to […]

i hate that i love him.

“you’re one of my best friends.” i didn’t even know i had that title. a bit of a shocker for me. after everything, can i forgive and proceed like this? i don’t know if it’s worth it. i’m left wanting either way, but actively choosing to remain close to someone that has such an affect […]

fucking knew it.

beeks is claiming i didn’t know until after, but i fucking knew. they were practically dating already at the end of our relationship. i’m not sure how long they’ve been dating now, but i don’t fucking care. it makes no difference. the fact is that they are. the fact is that when it came down […]

surprise

i think the thing is that he constantly surprises me. like i thought he wouldn’t be there for me at all. and he has. and continues to be. and i thought he’d never crack. and then he did. and i asked so many questions. and he answered them all. and he’s never lied to me. […]

numb weirdness.

i’m writing more. with no fewer conclusions to be drawn. yesterday, mackenzie and i were talking about a lot. i was shaking. i shake when i’m uncomfortable. i really didn’t want to have that conversation at that time, but oh well. you can’t hide behind booze forever. i’m felt very guilty about everything earlier, but […]

oh i kind of see.

i had a dream of max last night. i can’t remember everyone that was there, because they changed like anyone’s crazy dream. beeks and i went boating and thought we had sunk the ship, turns out that we just ended up digging the wrong one out of the water. the boat had been there all […]

Here I sit

Here I sit awaiting a fun day on the boat. I’m completely unbalanced emotionally and I’m not sure what this means. Maybe I can’t reach the balance or maybe it’s the situation. I’ve never really felt in control of my moods or otherwise my actions sometimes. I’m struggling with day to day. I can’t turn […]

we’re breaking up.

so a few months ago, i had a freakout that we were distant. basically when i talked to him about it, he was like, i don’t have that problem, you do something to fix it. i wanted us to be a team and figure out a way for me to feel safe and secure. instead […]