unsettlement

this is the worst feeling in the world to me. you don’t know where you fit. or what you belong to. or where you’re going. or what you actually want.

i know some of it is because of the drinking.

there’s a lot changing from day to day too. new people. new feelings. and the sense of home starts to get lost.

i felt that way in bali, after my now ex broke up with me. i was alone. on an island. and sick. on new years. what a royal fucking douche bag. i sat in my hotel room spiraling. yet the difficulty seemed to lie in not knowing where i wanted to be. i didn’t want to be back in portland. and i didn’t necessarily want to be in sydney. i wanted to be somewhere i couldn’t put my finger on.

that feeling was somewhat comforting though too. it meant i was letting go of america. it means that my life is still open for a course change. that i wasn’t and am not locked into anything. sometimes… i love that feeling. today is not that day.

i’m so ….

nathan and i talked. he said that this isn’t what a relationship should be like. that you should be able to communicate or give warning that something was so upsetting.

does that mean he would go to counseling? does that mean that he would change? does that me that i need to? what are the steps and processes? how do we give healing to the relationship? how do we repair something so broken? where do you put resentment? how difficult is this supposed to be? i know so many people that go through hard times, how do they get through? celebrating love.

what would i change? him showing me affection. our communication about everything. i want him to include me in more of his life, and for him to be included in more of mine. i want support and talking when something happens. investing in the relationship and doing anything to make it work. 2 parties involved in communication. interest in success and failures.

active listening = listening and asking questions.
i understand that you…
practice talking through concerns thoroughly

i didn’t want to make ultimatums. i jump to conclusions. jealousy rules me – fearful state; need assurance

set intention of talk
id each other’s position
socartes – i want to share about x, please help me understand y. it seems like you feel x and i feel y, do you agree?
solutions = 1) hear and understand. 2) rational solutions – i see that we disagree on x, but we both want y, let’s think of solutions together.what can i do to make things easier on you? you make me very happy, i’d like to ask you to do x.

when you don’t show me or tell me about love, it makes me feel neglected. when you don’t share parts of your day or about other people you are close to, it make me feel uninvolved.

do we still dress and act the same as when we met? why not?
sharing something new.
no roommate behavior
take a vacay together
stop focusing on it all the time
forget bad stuff
try new things in bed
big stuff needs to be shared with your partner

what is infidelity? what do you consider flirting?
suspicions or doubts need to be given to your partner
if you’re in a committed relationship, is it communicated everywhere?
not oversharing about our relationship

honesty, adventure and vulnerability
receptive partner
diary – to record thoughts/feelings/perceptions

 

 

in the wake

in the wake of the earthquake i’ve caused i’m going to write about all of my realizations.

value. i didn’t feel valued or prioritized by him. i can name at least 5 things that are more important to him then me. this is the most terrible feeling, since i was constantly thinking of ways to please him. to make him happy. to make sure he felt loved. that i could give him what he needed, even at an expense to myself. i was considering where we could move together and put his emotional needs before my preferences, which is something i was willing to do. but everything comes at a cost, and he doesn’t seem to pay any of it.

i offered to pay for him to come here. he would not accept this due to his own pride. he couldn’t deal with letting me care for him in that regard.

when we were breaking up, he was very nice about it. he said nice things, and i heard them. i just can’t believe them. there is a lack of evidence to back him up. my skin feels hot and burns, but i understand that i will feel pain before i will feel better.

intimacy and trust. i can’t trust him. i have no reason to. and when i try to bring up the emotional scars he’s given me, they are treated as insignificant. they are minimized and ignored. they cause more pain. and there’s no healing to be done. without trust we have nothing. and he’s shown over the last few months that i can’t trust him. i can’t invest in him.

rachel said that i haven’t been as bright. i told her this is what he does to me. she said thats not what you want. it’s not at all. i want a partner who can help me grow. i want someone that will push me a bit, challenge me.

thoughts.

i had a really rough day at work yesterday. i don’t feel like rehashing it here, but it definitely brings up my next point of contention. nathan. yes. him again.

we decided to get back together from across the ocean a few months ago. i knew at the time that this wasn’t the wisest decision, but in a way it’s helped me to clarify what my insecurities are and which ones come directly from him.

i’ve been feeling undervalued by him. not just as of late, but that’s kind of always how i felt. before i used to consider that it had to do with his emotional instability, unwillingness to commit, and refusal to let anyone in. well, a couple of those few are still true.

where does that leave me? trying to communicate and immediately feeling punished, seeking admiration outside of our relationship, and wanting to leave.

communication. when we discuss things on Skype that are uncomfortable, he pretty much shuts down about the topic. he does whatever he can to pacify the conversation and move it to a distracting topic. he then states i don’t need to wait for Skype to have these conversations. moving to when i do try to directly target that time: he says dismissive things like, “sorry you feel that way.” i thought we were supposed to talk about this shit? and i’m again met with a brick wall.

i’ve been spending a lot of time reading about relationships. what i can do to make ours better, etc. the thing is, i’m already doing them. he generally does not much, and i let him get away with it. so it’s either because he can’t show me cares or doesn’t actually care. regardless of the motivation, it still leaves me feeling undervalued, less then wanted, and impermanent. why does he even want me? because i understand his needs and don’t require him to reciprocate be meeting mine? that’s shitty and i do deserve much more.

i haven’t written in a while…

things that are different about oz:

  1. no driving – i love it. i never realized just how much i hated it until i didn’t do it. now i just sit on trains and read.
  2. reading – the internet/netflix/websites are different here. more commonly, i tend to read in down time. or drink, whichever comes first.
  3. sun – there’s hella sun. i f’ing love it. i don’t want to move to a drab place again.
  4. no friends – well, minimal friends. it’s nice to do what i want when i want. i do miss the shindigs and constant camaraderie at times, but i really like being relaxed and going to things when i want to.

that’s all i’ve got for now. will likely dive in more over the coming months.

i’m here!

i made it to the land of oy. i mean of oz, silly! it’s pretty cool. i really like not driving. if i ever move again, i hope that i will never need a car again! fat chance, but this girl is dreaming of train lines. it just takes out so much stress right now. you don’t have to be alert to sit on a train, except that one time i missed my flight, because i missed my stop… oopsie! where did i have to be though? just melbourne!

so the cool thing about traveling by yourself is that you get to deal with only one person’s emotions, yours! like people get so stressed about things. but when i missed that plane and was like, “well that’ll teach me to text furiously early in the morning!” so yeah. i hung out in the airport a little longer. i fucking love the airport. it was a quality time to scope people’s outfits since the style is quite different… unfortunately i spent that QT changing my spotify with free interwebz. maybe someday i’ll get around to those fancy duds.

the downside of traveling by yourself is that you have to deal with everything you feel alone. see what i did there? (it’s an up AND a down) i got very intensely lonely in the evenings and upon waking. not that another person would have changed my tv/shower routine, but it’s always better to have someone to sift through silence with, at least that’s what i believe. maybe i’ll get used to it!

anyway, sydney is great. i love being around rach and chris. trying to attach onto new friends where i can.

any

tormented

today i have felt tormented. i think it’s from reducing the pain medication i heavily relied on last week during my tonsillectomy recovery. but still that chemical imbalance is not fun and is a very real, valid disturbing thing to deal with.

so i looked up tormented in emotions. a website said it’s part of grief. this is probably incredibly relatable to my life.

i am leaving this country so soon. i can’t believe it, and yet the time is slipping by slowly as i have all these recovery days free. i started packing. that was scary. i have so much crap, but crap i want! ugh. having a suitcase full of clothes and not much else is a pain.

transition

nathan and i had a very big day yesterday. we talked. a lot. i finally heard about his relationship with lauren. i told him about adam, chris, and max. about how i felt and what i have tried to deal with. that the feelings i have for him are what’s always been missing from other relationships. he told me he was proud of me for recognizing my unhappiness and making the necessary change that i needed to. that he would miss me and loved me. he told me while he was home that he thought of me often. that he wanted me at his friend’s wedding. could see me talking everyone’s ear off and having an amazing time. that he wanted me to meet harper. that he wants to go to my going away at laurie’s and meet eric. it’s funny that all of these desires come at what seems to be the close of our relationship.

meanwhile, rebecca saw us together and freaked out. she thinks that if he’s dating anyone, he should be dating her. also, that he’s continuing unhealthy cycles, which he is and knows. she said she wants to end their friendship for her and for him. i admire her for being stronger then me… sort of. it’s just taken me a bit longer then intended to end of everything amicably. she’s… more resolute in her steps? i’m also pissed at her for trying to make him decide between us. i don’t want that for him, her, or me. this triangle doesn’t work, but still. each person can only do what’s right for them. i’m happy i said something about their relationship a while ago. i’m unhappy that i am right. that she is manipulative. and now that she is causing him extreme anguish. i wish all of this was easier, but if it were easier or clearer, then the situation would have been over by now. this is complex with many moving parts.

speaking of moving… since he’s lost most of his support, nathan is moving home to cleveland. i think this is the best thing he could possibly do at this point. he needs his family. he thinks he has bipolar and needs to work through the ways he’s been self medicating.

it feels like a tragic love, but i can’t trade any part of what i’ve experienced, because i feel real and alive. i think we’re both making more adult decisions. i will miss him so much, but he needs to be okay with himself. i think he needs to be alone to feel the ownership necessary to make changes.

other then that… we napped together, had sex for the first time in a while, and went to the store. we were just together, and although he was rolling through emotions, we just were. that’s how i love being with him. we laughed at dumb stuff, we made the living room bed, and i actually stayed awake during a movie! i made us homemade raspberry sodalicious. so simple. i wish it were always this simple. i was supposed to leave after the movie, but fell asleep. i know he needs time to himself. i would too. anyone would.

beeks is mad at me. i get it. he loves me so much. i just don’t want to have to split my remaining time between the two of them.

and a good morning to you.

mindfulness. this is all the buzz these days.

i am aware that i have little time left in portland and the delegation of this time seems vastly more important then it ever has. the prioritizing of all of the people and things i need to accomplish feels like impending doom. but like the best kind? i had a long chat with corey last night.

airplane mode enforced.

we discussed listening to the self. i think i’m having a hard time between making plans with people and making sure that the self motivation lines up with those plans. the intention is yes, but the reality is i may need to schedule some self time now. which is what i’m trying to do. the 5 things to be happier or whatever. those things will probably be of great value to me now. taking small amounts of time and using them efficiently. i love to do that anyway!

yoga was hard this morning. i just couldn’t focus on it and my breathing. my mind was slipping to things i want to do and say. present! i want to remain present. that’s why i’m practicing it though. it’s all practice to get to the present state of mind.

presents. i have so many to do/buy. yikes. it’s scary to think of all the connections i’ve made and how delicately i must approach the removal of myself. i think some are obvious and others will require more of me if i want to give adequately to them. i must remember that. how do you say good-bye for now but remember me always and i will do my best to see you again all in one short and sweet sentiment? maybe i’m just being too much of a “perfectionist.” that word has come up a lot in conversation and in therapy.

you think of everything as needing to be 100% and if it’s not then it’s damaging to the standard that you hold yourself to. and at the same time you can say, well i didn’t give it my 100% so of course it looks like or came out like _____. if i had, it would have been like _____. and so there is always someone there to forgive your shortcomings even though they were intentful shortcomings. intentful isn’t a word. well now it fucking is. right here.

yes.

to answer your question, unfortunately, yes. it is all worth it. the good and the bad. it makes me feel, and if you aren’t feeling, you’re not living life to it’s potential. we are human and feelings and thoughts are what we do. i want all of them. that’s why we’ve let this continue so long. but i need to get healthy. and so do you. and apparently we can’t do that together. you know that if you ever truly need me, i’m here for you.