we went to lunch. i could feel the difference immediately. his discomfort was insurmountable. both of us quickened through and couldn’t really eat.
we started walking. i asked if he wanted to talk now. i said how are you feeling, he said nothing. i said you want to break up. he said i think i do. he said he feels as though we’ve both been trying and in the end that it wouldn’t be enough for either of us. i said that we weren’t communicating and that most of those needs would be easier if we did. i said only one of the two of us is trying at a time at that’s not compromising and trying. we said we would work on the communication when we got back together, but then didn’t. he said he just felt as though we were incompatible on a deeper level, and i said it was because he wouldn’t let me in. i explained my wall cartoon to him. and told him that he has to be the one to take it down, and if he isn’t it will never work. he said we had a good relationship and asked if i thought he was being stupid. i said he is going to lead a long and lonely life. he said he’s always lonely. i told him thats because it’s easier to do. he said its not. but i told him what i had learned from blocking people out. then they can’t hurt you. he said maybe he’s just not ready to do that. i would agree with that. i kept trying to leave, and he kept wanting to talk. i told him i was getting mixed signals. the talking continues when you want to work on things, and he doesn’t. he said he didn’t come to this decision lightly that he had been thinking of nothing else nonstop for a week (pffffft, try months for me, had he put as much thought into this as i had, we would definitely not be here. actually maybe that makes me an idiot for staying so long) he said we had a good relationship. and why can’t good relationships be good and just end, before things get horrible. and i said because if it’s a good relationship, it doesn’t end. you don’t want it to because it’s worth working on. i told him that i thought it would take some work to change things, but that it would be easy in the future, but he thinks hes done as much work as he can. like we both did and that’s enough. i told him i’d been terrified the whole time we were together and before that i explained that i wanted to feel safe. he told me i’m absolutely right to be, because every person in his life he’s let down in a major way. i talked so much about the fact that we weren’t communicating and that was the issue and he thinks we’re fundamentally too different. i can’t make him see what i see, obviously. he was like we only talk when we’re totally fucked up, and i said i tried to tell him that before and he said that’s not true. i forgave him for not communicating with me before. he said he’s not a good partner. he said he tried for me, but it wasn’t a partnership. it wasn’t us working together. we worked separately.
we’re like the blind leading the fucking blind.
i guess if it takes this much work to stay together in the beginning, it’s probably not worth it. there should be more balance.
i’m going to be incredibly selfish now. i hate that, but it’s what i need. i also want to be alone for a while. like a long while.
beeks thinks he’ll be back again. becs says she hopes he respects me enough not to.
i think he’s right though. that deeper connection wasn’t there. something i wanted more than anything. i told i thought he was incapable or unwilling to, and i wanted it more than anything. that’s heartbreaking. we both made so many unfair assumptions about each other. and to be honest without that factor, our relationship is boring. i was getting bored and trying not to, but in the same space settling for the boredom. that was awful of me.
i remember last time we broke up, i had said that i broke him. i think i may have again. but i can’t keep breaking him to get him to be a better partner for me. he needs to do that on his own. it takes way too much energy for me.